I never fully understood what it meant to cry out to the Lord, not really. I get it now.
I have had heartache in my life. Even though I have an optimistic outlook on life, my life hasn't been all sunshine and roses. Todd and I have had a rough road (years of infertility, a miscarriage, money issues, work issesu , etc) and at the time, I thought I was really crying out to the Lord. Well, now that Gideon has died, I get what that really means. It is a deep groaning of your spirit, where nothing can calm you or give you peace except for the Lord. So you cry out to Him in excruciating pain and desperation for His hand to touch you.
Last week, during one of the many times I was weeping and crying out to Him, the Lord spoke to me in a huge way.
I was praying/crying and I told Him this "I dont feel like I could trust You because You took away one of the people I love the most ...so how do I know you aren't going to take away my husband, or my family or my future children? How do I know you wont do that? I know these people, even my children, are not mine to begin with, they are Yours. But I am struggling with trusting you."
And the Lord responded...Its interesting to me what he chose to tell me in response.
He gave me an image of Gideon.
I saw my Gideon, as a full grown man, sitting at a banquet table with a cup in his left hand....My son was laughing and his face was full of complete joy. I have never seen a look like that before. His laugh was one of the most pure images I have ever seen. He wasn't laughing at anything in particular, not a joke, or something like that, he was just laughing ...laughing with peaceful innocence because he is in the presence of the Lord. Because being in the presence of the Lord is enough... His face was filled with love, the love of God was being reflected there. That kind of love can only come from the Lord. It was beautiful. Gideon's smile and laugh was the personification of true beauty.
I stopped crying in that instant and smiled. My heart filled with joy. I wish I could describe the exactly what his face looked like, I just don't think there are words in the English language that can. That image was God's way of telling me I can trust Him...look at the joy and peace in Gideon's face. God never answers you the way you think he should. I guess that is why he is God. But he always gives you the exact answer you need at the exact right moment.
Today has been hard day again. It has been 5 weeks since I gave birth to Gideon. Five weeks since I held him close and kissed him. I love him so much and every part of me misses him. But when I think of where he is today and I picture that image of my son laughing, it gives me so much peace and comfort. But, I still miss him. I always will for the rest of my life.
But, oh, my son is being loved beyond what I can imagine.