Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cheated? Robbed?

I feel cheated and robbed.

I would have been such a good mom to Gideon. I feel like motherhood was snatched out of my hands before I even could grasp onto it.  Don't get me wrong, I am Gideon's mom. I will always be his mom. He will always be my first born child. He is and will always be part of my family. When people ask me "How many kids do you have?" I will always mention Gideon..... But I never got the chance to mother him. It hurts. At the moment as we were closing our hands around our future as parents, it was gone. I miss our son more and more each day. I love him so much. The depth of my hurt is immeasurable.

Its just not fair. Its not fair.

Maybe I sound like a kid whining and stomping her feet. Maybe that is what I am being today, a little kid.... I have been screaming and crying today....Seriously....Actually screaming with grief. I was uncontrollably weeping today on my couch. My crying started to build and get louder as my body shook harder and harder. I clung tightly to Gideon's blanket burying my face into it. My body then went limp, but it felt as if my head was still on fire. The next thing I know I am screaming into Gideon's blanket. Just screaming in agony. I couldn't really control it. I just miss him. So much.

I feel cheated out of all the time we should have had with him. I am sad for all the things we are missing out on. All the laughs, the hugs, the smiles, the tears. Those things, that should have been, are gone. Stripped away from us.I am thankful for the 33 weeks I got with him. Thankful for every single moment. But I feel like we were robbed. We were robbed of years. Years of seeing Gideon live. Years of  love, of hugs, of diaper changing, breast feeding, learning to walk and talk and read, years of schooling, playing with his cousins, praying together as a family, going on trips, seeing him graduate high school and go to college and get married. We will miss seeing the man our son would become.
 I often think about what Gideon would have looked like on his wedding day. I picture my son, standing at the front of a church with a woman in a white gown next to him. I picture him looking nervous and excited, quite like his daddy did on our wedding day. I can see me and Todd sitting next to each other, holding hands and smiling, with tears in our eyes, at this man we have raised. Gideon would have looked so very handsome. I know he would have....But, these are just dreams. This is not reality. That future dissolved on the day we heard the nurse tell us he was gone. This fantasy will never be.

I just want him back. Can't I just get him back??!?! I want to go to his plot, get a shovel and get him out of the ground. I want to get him out of there!! He shouldn't be buried!! He should be with his mommy and daddy. I long to go to him, to be with him. I feel desperate. I feel compelled to get him out of the ground. Like if I could just get him out of that casket, everything would be ok again. If I had him in my arms everything would be ok.... But Gideon is not in the ground. I cannot bring him back from death. He isn't with his body anymore. He is in Eternity. And I am thankful for that. I really am. But I long to see him one more time. However, I know one more time would not be enough.

A baby should not be dead. Its just not right. I know God weeps with us because He hates death as much as, he hates it more, than we do.

In reality, we weren't cheated. God would not cheat us out of anything. He has a purpose for everything. Gideon lived the amount of days that was ordained for him. He lived those days with a specific purpose given to him by God. He lived until the exact moment God decided. God chose precisely when his life started and when it ended. God's purpose is bigger than my understanding.

Were we cheated? No....Robbed? Not really. ...Do I feel that way? Yes.... It is the truth? No....I know when to draw the line between truth and feelings. God's truth never changes. My feelings do. But I cannot deny I have these feelings. I have to take the time to feel each one of them to its fullest extent. If I don't, I will never grieve properly. I have to process each one of these thoughts and feelings and lift them up to God. And give these feelings to Him. I have to let Him heal me in His time. I have to let Him do whatever work He is doing at whatever pace He decides. I am open to Him. I am willing to do what He wants.

I am feeling all over the place today. My emotions are erratic and so are my thoughts. Gideon's due date is on Friday and so I am having a harder time the closer we get to that day. I am trying to take it one step at a time, cling onto God, and let him guide us down this path.

I read this verse yesterday when I was reading the bible & doing a bible study. It pretty much sums up how I am feeling today:
"The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will not forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each morning" Lamentations 3:19-23....Amen.

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