Every day I think about our son. Gideon is always on the forefront of my mind. I think about my pregnancy, his birth, spending time with him, his funeral and so much more. I still remember everything so clearly. There are holes in my memory though. From the time the nurse told us he had died until they told me it was time to deliver him, there are gaps in my memory. I was in shock and I think God is protecting me from those memories and those feelings. But other than that, I still remember.
I still remember having him in my arms. I want Gideon back in my arms so bad. I feel emptiness in my arms. My arms crave to hold him. I physically ache to have him back in my arms. I can feel the weight of him there and the way it felt to move him from one arm to the other, and the way it felt to hand him to Todd and the way it felt to touch him and move his hand around with his fingers draped over mine. Most of all I can still feel on my lips the way it felt to kiss him, his cool smooth skin beneath my lips. Gideon’s sweet skin against mine. I remember vividly them laying him on my chest after he came out and me looking at him for the first time. Todd bravely cut the cord & was such a sweet daddy to Gideon. I kept touching Gideon and telling him “I love you, I am so sorry” I think I told him “I love you” a hundred times that day. Seeing Todd hold him was one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen and one of the hardest because I knew that the time for that was short. I would not see that again after that day. I will never in this life see my husband hold Gideon. Seeing Todd hold our child was beautiful. It was like it all came natural to him at that moment. I remember clearly watching Todd when he was saying goodbye to Gideon. Todd said “I will not forget you. You will always be my son. I love you” and Todd gave him a kiss. It was such a beautiful and heart wrenching moment. How can you say goodbye? How do you say goodbye to your child?
I remember when at one point, I asked everyone to step out of the room so I could have alone time with my son. I could tell in my heart that the time was near for me to let him go. I feel like the Lord gave me so much peace in that time. I remember I had him in my left arm and I looked into his face and talked to him, even though I know Gideon was not in his body. I told him everything we had dreamed for him and how excited we were when we found out we were going to have him and how much we love him and that he was my "icee baby". I told him as much as I could think of to tell him because I would never get to say these things to my sons face while on this earth. I had so much to tell him. So much. Oh, that time was beautiful. I wanted to hold that moment forever.
I clearly remember when Todd climbed in the hospital bed with me while I held Gideon and we just looked into our son's face. It was precious and it didn't last long enough. Nothing short of eternity is enough. Praise the Lord I get to have eternity with Him and to be there with my son and husband.
I remember me and Todd putting Gideon’s clothes on him. That was a beautiful moment to us. It was about 30 minutes or so after he was born and they had just given him a bath. I am so glad we had a little Astros outfit to put him in. We wanted to get him an Astros outfit to bring him home from the hospital in, so I was so glad we had one to put him in that day. But we will never bring my son home with us. We will never sit in our house together as a family. We will never tuck him in, we will never hear his cry or wipe his tears, or change his diaper. We will never hear his breathing or hear “I love you Daddy”.
I can so clearly remember hearing his heartbeat at every doctors appointment. I can play the sound of his heart in my head. I specifically remember how fast it was. Todd and I remember so clearly seeing him on the ultrasound at my 21 week appointment. Todd held my left hand and we looked at our little boy. My mom and dad were there in the room looking at their grandson. How relieved we were that everything was ok. Seeing all 4 chambers of his heart pumping was amazing. It was a miracle. He is still a miracle. We thought Gideon was going to be ok. We both felt in our hearts that Gideon was going to be ok. But, you know, he is ok. He is better than ok right now. He is with the Lord. I just thought that he would be with us.
One of my favorite things to remember is that Todd would always say “Hey Gideon” to our son in this really cute, sweet tone of voice. I can remember exactly the tone he used when he said it. I loved when he did that. I remember what it felt like when Todd would put his hand on my belly to show Gideon how much he was loved. He would talk to Gideon every day and tell him how much he loved him. I remember so many details of my pregnancy in such great detail. When I got pregnant I told myself that I wanted to remember everything I could about this pregnancy. Because Todd and I have infertility problems, we didn't know if we would have another chance at having another child (we still don't know if we will), so I wanted to make sure I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy.
I so clearly remember finding out we were pregnant and Todd and I hugged and cried while standing in the bathroom. I remember telling my parents that day, telling our close friends that day and the looks on their faces. I remember going to the doctor for the first time and being scared when the lab tech did the ultrasound wrong so we thought we were going to lose the baby, Praise the Lord we didn't! I remember seeing his heart at my 8 week appointment and everyone calling him Rainbow (its a inside family joke. haha), and me saying that we cant call the baby Rainbow in case he was a boy, Todd telling me “see he is a Mitchell he is strong”. I loved shopping for maternity clothes before I even needed them. I wore them before I needed them. I remember telling everyone on Thanksgiving about being pregnant and how thankful I was that day. Gideon got his first and only Christmas present from my mom and dad; a glowworm. I remember me feeling him move for the first time while Todd’s hand was on my belly at 19 weeks( actually the first 3 times I felt Gideon move Todd’s hand was on my belly), he loved his daddy from the start. I remember exactly when Todd felt Gideon move for the first time.Todd's head was on my belly and Gideon kicked him a few times in the head. That was on St. Patricks day. I remember how I felt when we found out he was a boy on Feb 17th, naming him the next day. I remember us taking him to the rodeo and Tim McGraw concert and him dancing to the music. I remember singing to him every day especially in the car. I clearly remember me crying at weird things like the songs Centerfield and Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer and watching my belly grow. I remember feeling him move stronger and stronger and being able to see him move from the outside for the first time. I remember when I would read, my book would bounce because I had my arms resting on my belly and Gideon would kick so hard. I remember so many times that Todd spent rubbing my belly. I remember one time Todd was able able to hear Gideon move inside me. I remember hearing his heartbeat at every appointment and that Gideon liked to move a lot at nighttime but he didn't react when I was being loud because he was used to it. I remember feeling him move at Grandmas funeral when the bible was being read about salvation. I remember me craving Icees and drinking them all the time (I drank more Icees in that 7 months than I have in my entire life) and going shopping at Target to pick out Gideon’s things and talking to my Gideon everywhere we went. I remember never feeling alone because I always had Gideon with me. I remember having those aches and pains and being happy about it, everything was precious to me. I hope I never forget it. I don't think we will. I will remember and cherish everything about my first born child.
I will remember my son's spirit. I will remember his personality. I will remember him.
I am so thankful for all the moments I remember of my son. I am so thankful for every single moment. Every single one of them. I will remember them all. We didn't take any moment for granted. If I had, then I might have regret now that he is gone. But I don't have any regrets because we gave everything we could to Gideon while he was alive and we will give everything we can to him in death. I hope that soon I will be able to smile when I think of the moments I had with him and laugh at the funny moments, instead of smiling sometimes while crying or just crying and bawling. I am so thankful of the time we got to have with him. I will remember as much as I can throughout my whole life. How can you forget your son? You can't. I was afraid that we might forget things about him. But we wont. We will always remember everything. I am thankful to have a memory. I am thankful that I can remember him.
I will remember that the Lord is faithful and good. He is my refuge and strength and my ever present help in trouble.
Psalm 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.