Monday, June 20, 2011

Is this really my life?

I wasn't planning to write anything today but I had to get my emotions out.

Today has been a really hard day. I am not sure exactly why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know what has made today extra emotional. Maybe because tomorrow will be a month from Gideon's funeral. Maybe because today I got our "Certificate of Ownership" for Gideon's burial plot. It is heart wrenching that the first piece of land we own is the place where our son is buried.

I miss my sweet Gideon. Gosh, I love our son so much. I have been crying all day long and my heart is so heavy. I am sitting here weeping as tears stream down my face getting onto my keyboard. When I think of Gideon an emptiness surrounds me because he is gone. It shouldn't be this way!!!! NO! He should be herewith me and his daddy!!! He should be inside of me moving all around and kicking me. I should be getting anxious about his pending birth. We should be putting the car seat in the car and packing my bag for the hospital. But we aren't...We never will..because our son died...He died....he died...

He is gone and he took my heart with him. How do you live without your heart?

I can't fill my lungs up with air to take a breath because I feel a physical weight on my chest. My heart actually aches. It feels like someone punched me in the chest and is literally crushing my heart. It is as if someone has their hands squeezing my throat so I cannot swallow. Five weeks ago, I didn't know that grief was such a visceral experience. It hurts. I hurt.

Sometimes its just too much.

I don't think someone really cannot imagine this pain unless you have gone through losing a child. Before this, I didn't know pain like this existed. Today I feel as if I am drowning in grief. I miss him so much. My heart physically aches for him. My arms crave to hold him. My lips want to kiss away his tears. My heart feels empty...My womb feels empty.

Wait, is this really my life?
I still sometimes can’t believe it. I still can’t believe that my son will never be with us on earth. It is surreal to me at times, like it couldn't have really happened. Then other times I am suffocated by the reality of our life. I know this is my reality. This is how it will always be. I will always be a mother to a baby who has died. I will never hold my son again while on this earth. I know this is my life, but it is such a bizarre feeling to be the parents of a stillborn baby. It is painful beyond measure.
It is impossible to describe how it feels to have delivered a baby who is not alive. That is supposed to be a time of life and it was a time of death. My body was supposed to hold life in it and yet it didn’t. I gave birth to a baby, and he was gone. I can barely comprehend that at times. I am sure it will always be strange. How do you fully wrap your mind around the fact that your child died inside of you? I don't think you really can. Not totally. I will always bear the scar of a woman who has had their child die.
In a single moment, your whole world comes crashing down around you. What do you do then?
I guess the only thing to do is to cry out to the Lord and ask Him to put His arms around me, comfort me and give me peace. Which thankfully, he is faithful to do. I do know that God knows how I feel. He loses his children every day, for eternity. Praise the Lord, I will not be separated from our son for eternity, but only for this life. I will be with him again. And I will get to be with Him!
It sounds so easy to just trust the Lord. I am not going to lie, in this situation, it is not. It is not easy to have faith in Him when your child has died. But I do. I really do. I trust that He has a plan. I may cry with grief and I do not understand at all, but I do believe that He will work things for His glory. I trust that Gideon's life has a purpose and that we haven't even begun to see what that is. I believe that the Lord is good and that He will hold us in His hands.I believe that God cries with us because we are hurting. I believe that He loves us and loves Gideon. I believe that Jesus lived a life without sinning and sacrificed his own life to die on a cross so that we may have salvation and the hope of an eternal life with Him. As I write these words, my tears are drying and I have stopped weeping because these words give me comfort. I am still in pain, but these words, as I am typing them, are speaking truth into my heart.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8
Thank you Father.
And I want to especially thank you for making me Gideon's mom.


LinseyLoo said...

Oh, Stormy! Your faith never ceases to awe me. Thank you for sharing your reality. You have no idea the impact it makes. Let it pour, sweet girl! He catches every tear in the palm of His hands, and every word you share allows those hands to touch others. I love you. He loves you more!

Stormy said...

Lins, thank you so much for your encouragement. You words brought tears to my eyes. I love you, my friend.

Amy G said...

Stormy, this is just a quick note to let you know that as long as you keep writing, I'll keep reading. It's such a small thing, and I'm just a person you knew briefly in graduate school, but I am hearing you. Your words are making a difference in my life.

Stormy said...

Amy, thank you so much for saying that. Thank you for reading. I am just spilling out my heart and I am so thankful that others have been able to get something from what I have written. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.