Its been one month

2lbs 11oz –15 in long—Head 10in around—Chest 8.5in around.

Those small measurements changed our life.

It has been one month since I held Gideon in my arms. One month since I delivered my son. One month since my heart swelled with love and one month since we had to say goodbye. My life will never be the same. We are forever changed by our son. He changed us when he was alive and he is changing us through his death. Our tiny boy. The Lord is changing us every day. Some days are bad days and some aren't so bad. But the Lord has a purpose. And I believe that.

We have a poem that was written for Gideon by Todd and me. Mostly Todd, but I added a line. After Gideon was born, we were at the funeral home making arrangements and they asked us what we wanted to put in the booklet that they pass out at the funeral.(I call it a playbill. So now anytime I see it in our apartment I say it is "Gideon's playbill") Most parents would put a poem in there and so we looked at the ones the suggested and Todd and I weren't crazy about any of those. Todd said that they all were very negative and very "woe is me". And yes, we were and are indescribably sad, but we have hope in the Lord and Gideon gave us so very much through his short life. So, Todd said he wanted to write something. And once he sat down to write, it took him about 5 minutes to write this to our son. Gideon was a miracle in our lives and he still is. We wanted something personal that was just for our son.

Thank you Gideon.

Thank you for showing us how deep a love can go

Thank you for touching the core of our souls

Thank you for showing your personality through you kicks inside mommy

Thanks you for bringing such beauty in the world

Thank you for changing our lives and the way we see everything

Thank you for being the miracle that we desperately needed

Thank you for being you

We love you and will always miss you so much

---Mommy and Daddy

Todd read this at the graveside service with our family surrounding us. I was and am so proud of my husband, that he wrote such perfect and beautiful words and that he was able to stand up and read them for Gideon in front of our family. When I read these words that Todd wrote, I wept because of how perfect these words are. I cry every time I read it. These words are so close to my heart. I love that my husband wrote this for our son. That means so much to me as a wife and a mom. I am so thankful for my son and for everything he has given us. We only got 33 weeks to love him and we loved him to the fullest extent that anyone can love their child. He always felt our love, every day, from the first day we knew he existed. We loved him and we will always love him.

In the program for the funeral we also had a verse from 2 Samuel. While I was in the hospital, I had a friend come and visit. And he told me he was reading the Word and he came across the story of David when David's son is ill.When I heard this story and this verse, the Lord spoke directly to my heart.

David is weeping on the ground and fasting. After he finds out his son has died, he gets up, washes himself off and goes and worships the Lord. They were confused at his behavior, but he tells them that while his son was alive he fasted in hopes that the Lord might heal his son. But now that his son has died, he knows he cannot bring him back. David then says: "I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Sam 12:23b

How true this is! Gideon will never return to us, but we will go to him. We will be in the presence of the Lord and we will be with our son. It is comforting to know that David, who loved the Lord, had lost a baby too. David wrote so many of the beautiful and powerful psalms because he knew pain. David knew the same pain that we know now. We will never have Gideon back in this life. And the ache in our hearts because of that is deeper and more intense than any pain I could even describe. But, thank you Lord, we have hope in the resurrection and so did David. We know, as David knew, that we will be our son again and for eternity.

It always hurts. How do you live when you have lost part of your heart? Part of our hearts are in heaven. We will always miss Gideon. I will be 80 years old crying and missing our son. We will miss him until our arms are around him again. Our hearts will always hurt. Gideon will always be our first born son. He will always be our oldest. He will always be in our hearts and we will take him everywhere we go. I cannot describe how much I miss him, but he is with me and the Lord is always with me. I cannot exactly explain the feelings in my heart that I have about Gideon and losing him. We love him in a way we have never loved anyone else.