I mark each day off of a never ending calendar in my head...Thursday, Friday, Saturday(the last day Gideon was alive and the day of his funeral), Sunday (the day we found out Gideon died), Monday, Tuesday (the day Gideon was born), Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday....over and over. Every week, I think the same things on each day. Each Sunday I think "We found out Gideon died on sunday" and every Tuesday I think "Gideon was born on this day ___ weeks ago". And I cry.
Yesterday was actually not a bad day. I had a good doctor's appointment filled with a lot of positives and hope. It was good. I also got a beautiful necklace that my mom ordered. One for me and one for her. The front is engraved with Gideon's name and his footprint, well, a much smaller version of his footprint. His whole footprint would have been too big to hang around my neck, I am not Flavor Flav. hahaha. On the back it has his birthday May 17, 2011 and his weight 2lbs 11oz. I love getting to wear this necklace around my neck. It makes me feel close to Gideon. I carry him with me in my heart, but I love that there is something tangible I can take with me. Something that other people can see. I love that I look at myself in the mirror and I see his footprints and name around my neck. I can reach up to it and touch it every single day. I love that it sits so near my heart.
Isn't it beautiful? I will treasure it every day of my life. I am so glad I got this precious piece of jewelry yesterday.
Getting the necklace yesterday was not the surprise I mentioned earlier. Something interesting happened. Well, I was visiting my parents house talking with my mom, dad, and sisters, having a good time. I was listening to my nieces and nephews make lots of noise playing and I thought "Wait, is today Wednesday?" And I looked at my phone and yes, it was Wednesday. Then I thought, "yesterday was Tuesday." I inhaled some air with a small gasp.
At no point yesterday did I think "Today is the day of the week Gideon was born"
What? How did that happen?? I said to my sister and mom "Yesterday, I didn't once think about that day being the day Gideon was born." I thought about Gideon all day on Tuesday, I looked at his pictures like I do every day. I thought about how much I love him and I thought about how it felt to hold him. I talked about him numerous times that day, but I never thought about it being the day I gave birth to him. I didn't once think "9 weeks ago I was holding him in my arms." My sister said to me "Stormy, that is a huge step, that's really good." And I know it is good, and I know it shows that God is continuing to heal the deep grief. But I felt guilty....
At that moment, tears filled my eyes. I blinked them away and pushed the guilt out as far as I could. I try not to feel bad for this. I am trying to not feel like a bad mother. I am trying to let go of these feelings and to give them to the Lord. I am going to focus on the good. I need to see this as God's healing in my heart. I need to see this for what it is, life moving forward. I will keep Gideon in my heart and in my mind as life progresses forward, as I learn to live with this pain. I know that is what must happen, but I am unsure of how it will get there. I guess the answer to that is simple (though it is not easy); take it day by day. I still have a dull ache of guilt for forgetting on Tuesday, but the guilt is subsiding and in its place is coming joy because through this I know God is healing this gaping wound.
I don't know how next Tuesday is going to be. Well, honestly I don't know how tomorrow is going to be, or how it is going to be in 2 hours. Some moments aren't so bad. Some are horrible. It just depends. There is no rhyme or reason why one minute might be hard and one might be easier, or why some days are more suffocating than others. But, as I choose the Lord every day, He will come through. And as I look to tomorrow, I wonder what it will hold.
Today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday, the next day is Saturday (the last day of the week Gideon was alive, and the day of his funeral), then it is Sunday (the day we found out he died), Monday, Tuesday (the day I delivered him), Wednesday, Thursday.....
"The churning inside me never stops; the days of suffering confront me"-Job 30:27
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." -2 Corinthians 4:16