Sunday, July 17, 2011

Two months

Today has been 2 months since our son was born.

Two months and 2 days since our son went to heaven. I should be happy about that, right? Don't get me wrong, I am so very glad he is there, I am so very thankful that he is in Eternity right now, that for the last 2 months he has felt nothing but pure joy and peace. But I miss him. I want him here. I would rather him live here for a while and go to heaven later, after Todd and I are already there. That is the way I feel.

Its been 2 months and my heart hurts every moment of every day. We hurt in a way that cannot be explained. Everyday that hurt morphs and changes but it is always there. One day it may suffocate me, like today. Other days it is more manageable, where I can actually function. Sometimes the hurt is infused with hope. And sometimes the hurt is tangled in despair. However, all the time, this hurt is intertwined with love.Love for Gideon and love for the Father.

Even after 2 months, I want him back. I want our Gideon back. This morning I cried my heart out to God and asked for Gideon to be given back to me.  I know that it doesn't work that way. I know that God has a purpose in everything. But a mommy should be with her child. I laid, curled in my bed and I repeatedly asked God to give Gideon back to me. God, please, please, please give him back. Please give him back to me. I miss him so much. So much. I miss my baby boy. I don't want it to be this way. I don't want to live without him. Please. I want him back so much. I miss my Gideon. I love him so much and I want him. Please God, I need him. I need him in my arms.

How do you live without something you need? Living without my son is like living without air.

Its been 2 months and every single day I weep. I cry as I look at his pictures, which I do every day. I weep when I look at his clothes. My heart breaks when I look at the clippings of his hair. I kiss his hat he wore because that hat touched his skin. I smell the blanket he had on him, even though it doesn't smell like he did. I cradle the clothes he wore in my arms and imagine I can feel him inside of those clothes.

Two months today since I had my son in my arms. Two months since my heart shattered. Two months since part of my heart went to heaven where he is. Two months since I kissed his face. Two months since I felt his soft skin. Two months since I held his hand in mine. Two months since I got to feel his weight in the cradle of my arm. Two months since I got to see his beautiful face, that looked so much like Todd. Two months since I got to touch his hands, eyes, mouth, feet, hair, chest, ears. Two months since I watched Todd hold our son. Two months since time stood still as I held him.Two months. It seems like just yesterday. How have we survived this long?

I crave to be back there, to 2 months ago. Because there I had my son in my arms. I had him. And every single day that goes by is a day where I am further from him. I don't want to be further away from him. I want to be closer to him...You know, I just had a thought. As every day that goes by, I am not further but closer to him because I am closer to death. That may sound morbid, but I don't mean it that way. I just mean that every day of my life, gets me closer to the day when my time on earth is through and closer to when I go see the Lord's face and where I will see Gideon again. No matter if you are a 33 week old baby still in his mother's womb or a 29 year old mommy, every day you live is a day closer to the day when you will pass away from here and go onto eternity. 

Its been 2 months and I cannot reconcile with the idea that Gideon is not supposed to be in this world. I cannot accept that. I mean, I know I have to accept it, because it is reality, but I cant wrap my mind around it. My son will never come back to this world. He will never be alive in our life again. How can that be? His purpose in life was not that he would walk or talk or breathe outside of my womb. He was not meant to live in this world. God intended for Gideon to live just those 8 months, and that was all.
I still cant believe Gideon is gone. I mean, I know it is true. I cannot deny that he is gone. But sometimes it just doesn't seem real. Like he can't really be gone from this world. That his death in this world is can't really be final. But it is. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
This is a child I longed for my whole life. This was the child that Todd and I wanted for years. This is the child we loved. This child is the child we knew; his patterns, his personality, what he liked and didn't like. This child was the one we planned to parent, the child we planned to grow with. Gideon was that child. Now he is gone. Gone? Really? I wont get to see him again in this life. Can that really be? How can that be? How can I have a baby that is dead? I am a mother of a baby that died.
Gideon goes everywhere I go. He is in my heart and Todd and I take him with us everywhere. I would rather have him here in his body and curled in my arms, but that isn't an option. Gideon gave me and Todd so much joy every day of his life. More happiness than we even knew was possible. He was and is loved. But I cant wrap my mind around the fact (and it is a fact) that Gideon was not meant to live in this world, that his time on earth truly is done.
If Gideon were meant to be here, then he would be here. God controls that. I just cant fully wrap my mind around it yet. Maybe I never will.

Its been 2 months and its like my life is back to "normal", yet has been radically changed. I hate that thing are back to "normal". Not in my heart or in my mind, but our daily actions. It shouldn't be this way. Gideon should be here and so our daily routine should be diapers, and feeding, and being awake all night. But instead, our routine is much the same at it was before. It is wrong. I hate it. I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that I have to live without him. Todd and I should be have a newborn at home. But Todd goes to work everyday and I am back to my daily life.  I go about town running errands and though I may look normal, my insides and my heart feel far from normal. As much as I want the world to pause for me, because when Gideon died my world did stop, life moves forward and there is nothing you can do about it. You have responsibilities you have to take care of. Things function as they did before; bills have to be paid, grocery shopping needs to be done and meals need to be cooked. But it feels so off. So wrong. Maybe it will always feel off? I think that throughout life, everything will always feel a little amiss. Because our family isn't complete. Part of us is in heaven.
Maybe it is supposed to feel this way, that our life is incomplete. Maybe we should be focused on heaven because this world isn't permanent for us. Maybe I am meant to feel like this place isn't enough, not because my son is gone, though that is part of it, but because this isn't truly our home.

Gideon would be 2 months old today. I was thinking today about what Gideon would look like. I cant picture it. I can't imagine what he would be like. I cannot picture the baby he would be today. Would he be rolling over? Would he be smiling? What would his smile look like? Would he have dimples? How much would he weigh?  What color would his eyes be today? What would it sound like to hear him cry? How long would his hair be?...In my mind, because that is all I have, I see him as a tiny newborn. Never changing. I wish I could see him grow. I wish I knew what he would look like today. What he would look like tomorrow or in 6 months or in 6 years. However, he will only be what he is in my memory, a beautiful little baby.

Since I hit the 2 month mark, I have been crying a lot. More than usual. My grief is more like it was in those first couple weeks. I know this is normal. At least that is what I am told. You take one step forward and 2 steps back. Right now, I am taking 10 steps back. Its awful. I miss my son with every molecule in my body. My pain is growing exponentially. I miss Gideon more and more each day. I wonder if there is a limit on how much I miss him & when I will hit that limit. Eventually, one would think, you would get to the point where there is no possible way to miss him more. I guess I haven't hit that limit yet.  I do think that there is no limit to how much I love Gideon. I love him more and more each and every single day. That will never change. My love for my son will always be the predominate feeling in my heart when I think of him; more than the agonizing pain and more than the hurt. Love will always come first.

Every single day for the last 2 months, when I ask, God gives me peace. I miss Gideon. I have extreme and endless hurt and I get so weighed down by my feelings, I sometimes forget to ask Him for peace. He is there always, but is waiting for me to turn around and ask for Him to help me. Because once I ask, He gives me peace immediately. When I ask Him, I feel this unexplainable peace come over my heart. He is the only way Todd and I have made it until today. He is the only one who grants us true peace. He never fails. He is always there to wrap His arms around me and tell me "I love you, I am here." When Todd and I call out to him, He is always faithful.

Wow, this blog is kind of all over the place today. But I guess it is because my emotions are all over the place.

But, this is where I am today. Two months later.

Gideon's life and death color everything around me. Because of him, I see things differently. The lens through which I see the world has transformed. Gideon changed my perspective on life, on death, on eternity, on love and on God. I love God more today than I did 2 months ago. I think of God and spend more time with Him than I did 2 months ago, and that is because of the change that my son brought about in me. Gideon made me want to be better. A better wife, mommy, sister, aunt, daughter, friend, and a better child of the Lord.  Gideon was so tiny, just 2lbs and 11oz and 15in long. But that tiny little boy has made such a huge impact. Todd and  I are changed because of him. Our hearts are totally different, for the better. From the moment he was conceived, Gideon changed my world.

I believe that Gideon is changing the world.


wilkeliza said...

The ups and downs of grief are so hard some times. I can't imagine what you feel to see the world continue to go on as if nothing happened. You and Todd are always in my thoughts. Continue to ask God for peace so that he can bring it to you. I pray that he brings you to peace and teaches you how to live with the space Gideon left in your hearts until the day you can be together again.

Stormy said...

Thank you so much. Thank you for every prayer you send for us. Thank you for praying for peace for us. I love what you said that you would pray that we would learn to live with the space Gideon left in our hearts. wow.