It is crazy the things that knock you down while you are grieving.
A friend of mine said something about their baby boy being held by his great-grandmother. Right then, I thought "yeah, my son is probably being held by his great-grandmother too" I burst into tears.
That knocked the wind out of me because my grandma passed away 3 weeks before Gideon died. She always said she would live to see my brother get married (which he did, over a year ago), and me have a baby. Well, when she died, I was upset because I really wanted her to get to see Gideon. I wanted her to get to hold him. But she probably got to hold him before I did. I thought that since that was her goal, to see me have a baby, that when she died, that meant that Gideon would be fine...I was wrong.
The night that Gideon passed away I had a dream about him. In my dream, I had to deliver him early and I was scared. They had to do an emergency c-section and he was so small when he came out (similar to the size he was in real life). I walked outside to tell everyone that he was ok and as I opened the door. I see my grandpa (who passed away when I was 16) sitting in a garden and my grandma walks up and I tell them "You will get to see Gideon soon" and I walked back through the door to go back inside.
Strange huh?...My grandparents did get to see Gideon that night. They got to see him before I did. I don't believe that most of my dreams mean anything. But for some reason I think this one did. I have had just a few dreams before that have come true, I have had 2 dreams about the same friend on 2 different occasions that she was pregnant, and when I told her about the dream, she told me she really was pregnant. I believe this was one of those dreams. When I got up, I didn't think anything about it really. I told Todd about my dream and I was freaked out by it because in my dream Gideon was born early. And I was like "ah, well, my dreams are crazy."
I didn't think about that dream again until that night after the nurse told us Gideon had died. I thought, "grandma and grandpa do get to see him, right now."And I wept.
I was joking with Todd one day that when Gideon got to heaven, Grandma was probably hanging out with my Grandpa and her sister Stella, and looks up and sees Gideon and she is like "Gideon, what in the world are you doing here?" And then I can see her getting annoyed about it. Like "um, this wasn't part of the deal, Lord."...Wait, can you get annoyed in heaven? OK, probably not. But it makes me laugh to think about...maybe that isn't really funny, but I think so....
I have had nightmares since Gideon was born and I don't usually have nightmares.
I actually had a nightmare the other night and in that dream Todd died. It was terrible, in my dream no one would tell me anything, the nurses and doctors at the hospital kept saying they didn't know anything. As I was walking down the hall, I kept saying "My son just died, my husband cant be gone too. No, this cant be. My son just died, I cant live without both of them." Finally a nurse brought me into a room, and she was going to show me Todd's body and it was behind this curtain. Well, luckily I can sometimes control my dreams so real-life me realized what was about to happen, and I told myself to wake up. I did. Luckily Todd was at home and not at work that day and he held me while I cried. I do think that I cling to Todd tighter than before because I am so afraid to lose him too. I would be desperately lonely if I lost him. But I also know that God is teaching me that no one in my life actually belongs to me. They are His. Not mine. I do not have claim on anyone, not even myself really. I belong to Him, Todd belongs to Him, my nieces & nephews, sisters and brothers, parents, friends all belong to Him. He may do with all of us what He wills, even if that means he is done with them on this earth.. I am trying to truly submit myself to that fact. Not just say I submit to it, but really do it.
About a week after Gideon's funeral I had a dream I was holding his body. He was limp in my arms. But as I was looking at him, he started to move and breathe! Oh my gosh! He was alive! In my dream I thought, "it is so beautiful to get to see him move!" And I ran to tell Todd and my family that he was alive; it was all a mistake! Right before I got to Todd, Gideon was, once again, limp in my arms. It was horrible. Horrible because that had been my reality. Even at night I cannot get relief from the pain. Every night, in every single dream, I either mention Gideon or he is in my dream.
This is one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had. We were in a public place and there was a huge staircase and I had Gideon in my arms. He was about 2 and a half months old (the age he would be if he had been born alive) and we were all shocked that he was alive and growing because he had been gone, but God brought him back to us. Someone in my family was worried he would have brain damage, and I said "I dont care, he is alive!" We were holding his warm pudgy body. We started taking a ton of pictures in my dream of him, pictures of him changing. He got bigger and fatter and got cuter. I held him on my right hip, like a pro. In my dream, Todd made him laugh. It was a sweet, sweet sound. A daddy smiling and playing with his son, and the son cracking up. I wish I could hear that every single day. We got to see him smile, a cute toothless smile. We got to feed him and take care of him. It was wonderful. We sang a worship song to the Lord, the song that was sang at his funeral....But I had to wake up. I didnt want to. I wanted to stay like that forever. I wanted to stay with my husband and my son. Happy and whole. When I awoke, I started bawling because this dream will never be. I would not call this a nightmare, because it was wonderful. It was one of the best dreams I have ever had, while I was dreaming, I was happy. But the horrible part, the part that breaks my heart is that we will not get to see any of these things. We will not see our son grow and change. I will not hold him on my hip as he squrims around. We will not see his smile. Todd will not make Gideon laugh. Not in this world.
I had another dream last night about my sweet son. He was about 8 months old and was walking around. He had chubby little hands and strawberry blond hair, but was pretty slender. He was heavy to carry around, but was so soft and warm and sweet. He liked being held, but he liked to explore and was interested in everything. He would walk away from me just so he could see what was going on around the corner. He just wanted to experience life and touch and see and smell everything. We saw a dog and Gideon kept saying "dog, dog, dog" and he loved that little dog. It was seriously so cute. While I was dreaming, the real-life me, thought "I wonder if Gideon would really have been like this." And honestly, I think so. I think maybe God is giving me these dreams to show me who Gideon would have been if he had still been here, just glimpses of who he would have been on earth. And glimpses of who he is now. Gideon gets to touch and see and taste everything right now! The interesting thing is, I didn't cry when I woke up. I was happy. Happy that God gave that to me. Happy that these dreams remind me that my son, whether right now in heaven he is a child or an adult, that he is whole....but oh, it still hurts constantly because we have to live without our sweet boy.
These dreams will never come true. Not exactly. I may never hold my son as a baby again. Like I said before, I have no idea how it actually works in eternity, but I am assuming that I will never get to teach him crawl or see him learn to walk, or feed him or teach him how to say "dog". I hate that I will never experience those things but, the amazing thing is this, it doesn't matter because Gideon is alive! I know he is alive! Gideon is more alive than he has ever been. More alive than I am, more alive than Todd. Because of Jesus, because of my Savior...Gideon's Savior, my son is alive. He is whole and joyful and has complete peace. One day, we will see him alive. I may not get to change his diaper or rock him to sleep but I will get to see my son alive again! And that is good! I believe I will get to wrap my arms around him and talk with him and laugh with him. Gideon is alive today because Jesus is alive!!!
"For as in Adam all die, so as in Christ all will be made alive." -1 Corinthians 1:20