This is our first Christmas without you.
Oh my sweet Gideon. I know you are experiencing the most breathtaking Christmas today. I know it is as amazingly indescribable, like every other day you have experienced in heaven the past 7 months and like every day you will have for eternity. But mommy and daddy miss you so much. This day is not complete with out you. No day will ever be complete because you have part of our hearts with you in heaven. I want so much for you to be here with me and your daddy and your little brother. I miss you every second. I love you, my Gideon. More than my own life.
Tears cover my cheeks and flow openly from my eyes as I miss you. I miss everything about you. I wish I could see your smile today. I wish I could kiss your chubby cheeks and tell you "I love you." I wish I could see you staring in awe at the Christmas tree lights twinkling. I wish we could hear your giggle as you tear open the paper on a gift, because the paper is more interesting to a 7 month old than the actual gift itself. I wish I could give you your first pieces of divinity and chocolate pie. I wish I could see you crawling around the house trying to keep up with your cousins. I wish your daddy and I could wake you up in the morning and say "Merry Christmas, Gideon." I wish I could watch as your daddy holds you and tell you about the birth of our Savior. I wish your stocking was filled with more than just dreams of what could have been.
Today I will watch your cousins open their presents and smile and laugh with joy. I close my eyes and picture your beautiful face smiling and laughing with joy in the presence of the Lord. As I listen to the bible being read this year and hear the story of Jesus as a baby in a manger. I know you are walking down the streets in heaven with that same baby as a man. As I sing songs of worship to the Lord at church tonight, I stand in the presence of God and I know that you are standing in His presence too. And that makes me feel closer to you, my precious son.
Today I will try to imagine what your face would look like. Today I will cry and I will laugh, but all day, like every day, you will be on my heart. Today I will close my eyes and think of the precious moments when you were in my body kicking me. Today I will think of the even more precious moments when you were in my arms. Today I will think of last year, the only Christmas we had with you and I will smile because that was the most beautiful, perfect Christmas I have ever had because you were with me. Today I will ask God to give me just a little glimpse of Heaven, so I can see you.
We are missing one little boy this year, and every year from now on. One little boy from every single picture will be missing. We are missing one present under the tree for this little boy. One little boy's laughter, one little boy's cries will be missing from the cacophony of sounds that rise from our home. However, we will not be missing the love we have for this little boy.
My heart is torn to pieces today, but I will not let that take away the peace from the Lord. I ask that the Lord gives me and Todd His peace, which defies all logic. As I ask the Lord for His peace and for His presence to surround us, I am brought to my knees as I am reminded of why we celebrate today. We celebrate the miraculous birth of our Lord, Jesus. He came to this world, this horrible and broken world, to give us hope, peace and joy. In John 10:10, Jesus says "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." Not just a life where we barely make it through each day, but an abundant life! What an amazing promise! And He came to this world to give us the chance to have an eternity with Him. He came so that we might live. He gave up His life to give us eternal life. Because of that, I rejoice with all of my heart! And because of the promise He gives us, I know He is walking beside us today. And every day.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
1 John 4:8-10
Thank you, Lord, for giving us the gift of our first son. Thank you for giving me hope and a promise that we will be with You for eternity and that we will get to be with Gideon again.
Happy first Christmas in heaven, my son. Know that our hearts are with you today. We love you, Gideon. Merry Christmas.