Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's day.

Todd and I arent huge on Valentine's Day, but we do usually do something to celebrate this day.

At the zoo on Feb 14, 2011
Last year, we went to the Houston Zoo on Valentine's day and had lunch at the Hobbit Cafe. We took Gideon, while he was inside of me, to the Zoo. At the time, we didnt know he was a boy, so we were still calling him by his nickname "Rainbow." Two days later we would find out we were expecting our a little boy. That day, Feb 14, 2011, the weather was perfect. It was warm enough to wear shorts if you wanted, but cool enough for pants. The sun was shining but there were beautiful clouds in the sky.
Pregnant with Gideon at the Zoo on Feb 14, 2011
 It was one of the most fun days we had together as a family. I know he didnt know we were at the Zoo, but he knew we were having a good time. He could tell mommy and daddy were both happy. We talked to him as we walked through the Zoo and laughed and dreamed of the time when he would arrive. We imagined the time we would be pushing him around in a stroller and telling him about all the animals. We dreamed of a time when I would home school him and  we would take our child to the Zoo when he was older with his siblings and teach him about the animals. We wondered what his favorite animal would be.
That was one of the happiest days of my life. I was with my 2 loves. My sweet husband and our precious baby.

This Valentine's day will be much different. Todd and I are grieving the loss of Gideon. There is such a huge hole in our lives where he should be. We miss him. So very much. My heart hurts. I wish that this year I could buy him a Valentine's day card and write a note to him from his mommy and daddy. I wish that I could snuggle him and dress him in red, in a onesie that says "heartbreaker" and take him to the park on this beautiful day. Instead, I cry because my arms are empty. I should have an almost 9 month old. I wanted to wake up this morning and walk to his crib and say "Happy Valentines day, my little love!" and sweep him up in my arms and for him to give me drooly kisses.

Tonight, Todd and I will spend time together with the little boy who is inside of me this Valentine's day, our little Silas (and I will eat lots of conversation hearts and chocolate!!). We will tell Silas how loved he is and we will tell him of his brother.  We will tell him how much God loves him and that he is truly a miracle. This is something I do almost every day. I tell Silas about Jesus, tell him about the One who loves him more than anything. I tell him about the One who holds Gideon in His arms. I tell him about his older brother. And I tell him how much I love him. Today will be no different. I will say the words "I love you, Silas" to him as I do every day. I told Gideon I loved him every single day, and I am so thankful I did, so that he knew he was loved every day of his life. And I have every day since he died, I say the words "I love you, Gideon." Because my love for him has not changed. I love both of my sons. So much.

To the 3 boys in my life:

To my husband, the father of my children, you have my heart. You are the most incredible husband and father. It takes a brave and loving man to say hello and goodbye to their son on the same day. You are an example of what a Godly husband and man should be. You love with abandon and passion. You give everything you can to me and your sons. And I thank you for that. I thank you for being the most giving person I know and for sacrificing yourself for the needs of our family. After being together for 9 years, you are still romantic, still make me laugh and still make my heart skip a beat. I cherish the time we spend together crying and laughing. I am so glad you openly grieve our son and you allow me to do the same, that you are willing to talk about Gideon, lots of men find it hard to talk about their children in heaven. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know how much you love and miss Gideon. I love how when I was pregnant with Gideon, and now that I am pregnant with Silas, that you talk to them and tell them they are loved. I love how much we laugh together. You make me smile and laugh more than anyone else. You are patient and kind. You are the personification of God's love in my life. You truly exhibit his love towards me.  I love our jokes, like "chur-chur" and "6 of 10"  and "omni-us" and so many more. I  love that you and I can be silly around each other. I love that we play board games, poker and dominoes together. I love that we play putt-putt and go bowling and go to plays, concerts, movies and sporting events. I love that we will have long conversations about random things. I love that no matter where we are, I have fun with you. I love that you always take out the trash so I don't have to!  I love that I know your sounds, your sighs, the tone of your voice. I know what you are feeling just by the look on your face. But you also still surprise me. I am better because of you. Your love inspires me. Your faith in the Lord encourages my faith in Him. Thank you for that. You are my best friend. I love you with every molecule that is in me.

To our precious firstborn son, Gideon, you own a huge part of my heart. You took part of my heart with you when you went to heaven. I miss you so much, my little love. I miss you with every beat of my heart. I wish that you could be with me today. I will close my eyes and imagine you in my arms. I will dream of your arms around my neck giving me a kiss. And I will await the day when I can actually have you in my arms. You are a part of me. Literally. We share the same cells and your cells from your body are in my body and will be for my entire life. And those cells will be in Silas and your other siblings. Knowing that I walk around with part of you, literally, inside of me at all times, is wonderful. And I carry your heart in my heart. You are my little love. You are so unique and special to me. You are my first born child. I love that I got to know you as you lived inside of me, what you liked and didn't like. I know that you loved it when I sang to you, and I did that all the time. You liked it when I talked to you. You loved to hear your daddy talk and for him to rub my belly. You loved it when we would laugh. You loved Italian food and Icees.
Thank you for being my son, that is a bond that can never be broken, even in death. You are extremely special to me. I am so grateful to the Lord that he gave me you, even if it was for only 33 weeks on this earth. I kiss your picture almost every single day and I pray to God that he tells you how much I love you. I whisper your name just to feel it cross my lips. Thinking of you, though it hurts, makes me smile. My sweet Gideon, you have given me more than you even know. Because of you, I am different. You taught me how to love as a mommy. You made my heart grow.  You taught me how to be compassionate, and to give mercy to others. You taught me to be slow to judge someone. Because of you I understand joy more, because I understand pain. You taught me how to love with abandon and with your whole heart. And to never hold back love. You taught me about the love of Jesus. You taught me more about Him than anyone else has. There are so many ways I am different because of you and you continue to teach me things. You changed me for good. Forever. And I love you. I cant wait to see you again.

To our little miracle Silas, I love you so much. You are our second son and you have part of my heart. I was so scared when we knew we were expecting you, so afraid that you might die too. But that didn't stop me from loving you.  I love you so much. I love being your mommy. I love feeling you kick inside of me. I have loved getting to know you. You almost always kick me when I press down on the top of my belly. You have made me crave all different foods! You like it when I sing. And when I walk, it rocks you to sleep. You and your brother are a lot alike, but also very different. You respond to movement more than he does. If I am sitting still, and then I jump up really quickly, it will rouse you. I cannot wait to get to know you even more as the weeks progress. I hope and pray that we get to keep you. I am so excited to get to see your face and see who you look like, if you look like me or your daddy or your brother. You have given me hope. After your brother passed away, I lost hope. I associated my womb as a place that only holds death, but as you filled my body, you have restored that hope that my body is not a tomb, but it can hold life. You gave me hope that I can smile again. You make me want to get up each day. You make me look forward to the future.You have changed me in so many ways. You have given me back laughter. You have shown me that I can love both of my boys at the same time with all my heart. My love for one son only makes my love for the other son stronger. I am looking forward to the moment when I have you in my arms, breathing and crying and pooping! I cannot wait to see the man you will become. I pray daily for you and your faith. I pray that you grow to be a man of God, that you follow Him all the days of your life. I pray that you love Jesus first and love others the way He loves. Know that as you hear my heart beating, you are loved. You are so special to me, my son, I love you.

And to the first Love in my life, Jesus. I would be nothing without You. Everything in this world would be completely meaningless without You. You are the giver of life, love, hope, peace, joy and salvation. You are salvation. Without the hope of Eternity, I don't know where I would be. If You had not come into my life, I would not have survived. You are love. Because of You I live. Because of you I can face tomorrow. Because of you life is worth it. Because of You I sing a song of hope. Because of You, I always have someone I can trust. I love you with everything that is in me. Thank you for the gift of love. Thank you for the 3 men in my life, Todd, Gideon and Silas. Thank you for my family who I completely love and for the people who are not related to me, but who I love. Thank you for giving me hope and peace through these months of pain. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for always showing Yourself to me right when I need it most. You are love. You created love. Love flows from you and through you. You are true love.

You, Father, are everything.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.--1 John 4:7-9


Beth said...

what a beautiful love letter.

our Father really is everything. it's amazing.

btotherenda said...

Love this sweetie!