Monday, April 9, 2012


We have finished Silas' nursery!

He has a little place to call his own for when he arrives. But I have to be honest with you, getting his room ready was not easy for me emotionally. It wasn't all joy and excitement, like it is for most mommies. It wasn't all smiles and laughs. That was there. I did smile and I do. But it is bittersweet. Like everything in life since Gideon died, like everything with this pregnancy with Silas. I am excited about getting Silas' room together, but I miss Gideon. I am happy that we are creating a little place for Silas, but I am sad because I never got to do that for Gideon. I enjoy feeling Silas inside of me, but I wish Gideon was here to put his hands on my belly and feel him too. Its a constant battle between joy and sorrow. That is just my life now. Every joyful moment, every smile, every laugh, has sadness behind it. There is a hole in our life. That hole is where Gideon should be. Always.

Without pain and sorrow, joy cannot be fully appreciated.

Getting Silas' room together started by getting everything that we bought, or had bought for us, for Gideon out of storage. We have some of Gideon's things, things that are only his, in our room and they are close to us at all times. Like the outfit and hat he wore, and the blanket he was wrapped in, the bear he has pictures with and the first outfit we bought him that he never got to wear, the blanket my parents made for him and other items like that. Those things are just Gideon's. They belong to him and him alone. It is like part of him is connected to those items. They hold a special place in my heart and I could never see his little siblings using those things as their own.

But, we have some other things that belonged to Gideon, that I want him to share with his little brother. I like the idea that Silas and Gideon get to share things. I have big siblings and a little sibling and we had to share our things all the time. And so it is nice to me that Gideon gets to share some of his things with Silas. It is sweet that the big brother gets to share with his little brother even though he isn't physically with us. And honestly, it seemed a waste of money to not use the same items for Silas that we got for Gideon. And if Gideon had lived, he would have shared these things with his little brother.

After we got the items from storage, I started to go through them all. We packed up everything not too long after Gideon passed because it was so extremely hard for me to walk into the nursery every day and see all of these beautiful items that we got at his baby shower the day before he died. All of these unopened packages, and these cute little baby boy bags. So, it had been months since I had seen most of these items, and once I opened the boxes, all of these emotions flooded my heart. My breath caught in my throat and I fought back tears. I see all of the clothes we had for Gideon. All of the toys. All of the nursery decorations. All of the broken dreams.

As I removed the stickers and tags from the clothes, I broke down crying. Tears were streaming down my face as I was picturing Gideon wearing all of these clothes, I tried to imagine what he would have looked like wearing each outfit. How it would have felt dressing him. How the colors would have looked with his strawberry blonde hair. I gasped as I realized that if Gideon was alive today, he would have already outgrown every single outfit I was holding in my hands.

And I lost it.

I started bawling. My breath came out in sobs. I just want my Gideon here! I wish he was in my arms, not just in my heart, but in my arms!! I miss him so much! My heart aches for him. My arms crave to wrap around him and I want to kiss his face. I want to hear his voice, his cry, his squeals of delight and his grunts in annoyance. I want our oldest son with me!

The pain that is always there, that is always in my heart, came raging to the surface.

Eventually my sobs became softer and quieter. They turned into silent tears and eventually they stopped.

In my heart, I thought about the place where Gideon lives today. I thought about how he experiences joy beyond all comprehension. I thought about him being with Jesus. I thought about the fact that Gideon hasn't missed out on anything, he is with Him! So even though it breaks my heart to be without Gideon on this earth, I know where lives today.

I was able to get back to my work after I broke down, get back to getting the room ready for Silas. As I pulled out the bedding, my heart stopped for a moment. That was the special bedding I wanted just for Gideon. His own little beach. We wanted a Hawaiian themed room for him. And for many reasons, we associate beaches with Gideon. When I see that beach-themed bedding now, in Silas' room, it reminds me that one day Gideon will walk on the beaches when the New Earth is created. So, I am excited that Silas gets to use his bedding!! And every day I see it I will think of Gideon and think of the day when we will be reunited.

We never got Gideon a dresser or crib. We were actually planning on going to buy both of those items on the Monday following his baby shower. That Monday was the day after we found out he died. That day, I was in the hospital laboring, waiting for him to arrive. We got Silas a dresser that I really like and a crib that I love. Its perfect for our Mr. Silas.

Since I have been on bed rest for the last week (due to having high blood pressure), I have had to get a lot of help to finish Silas' room, my sweet hubby has been so wonderful to help me every step of the way, Todd assembled the dresser and the crib! I think that daddy's like to put together furniture for their babies. Its something in their genetics. And I have been blessed that my mom has been around to help assemble his room. Its been hard not to be able to do a lot because I have had this extremely strong desire, this need, to finish his room for him. It is overwhelming. It is more than just "nesting." It goes deeper than that.

I felt I HAD to finish his room. I need to give him a place at our home.

I never got to do this for Gideon, he died the weekend before I was planning on putting his room together. I have such a strong desire to create a nursery because in a way, I am doing this for both of my boys. It is one more "mommy" thing I can do for Gideon, something I can finish for him. And one of the many things I will get to do for Silas. Also, if Gideon had lived, he and Silas would be sharing this room. So, in my heart, it is for both of them.

I am so very excited to have his room finished!!!

His bed and his cute Hawaiian themed bedding with an Astros monkey hanging on the side.
 And he has a little sock monkey! In my family we call them "funk monks." All the kids have them, and I had one growing up. 

Silas' name on the wall, with a picture of his big brother, Gideon, on his dresser. So they are always near each other.

The bed in the room, with Gideon's blanket at the foot of it. My parents made that blanket for Gideon and I usually use it, it makes me feel closer to him, but I want Silas to use it too.

This is the blanket my mom and I made for Silas. I love it!

This is a blanket that my sister had made for our little Silas. This is one of the most special blankets I have, and this is why....When Gideon died, we had a friend knit him a hat and a blanket to be buried in. He didn't fit into any preemie clothes (since he was 2lbs 11oz) and nothing seemed right for him. Nothing seemed like it "fit" him. So a dear woman knitted a cute little hat and a beautiful blue blanket for him to be wrapped and laid to rest in. Well, our friend made a small square replica of the blanket she made for Gideon for me and Todd, for my parents and for each of my siblings. So we would all have a little blanket to remind us of him. My oldest sister had a beautiful friend of hers turn her square of Gideon's blanket into a big blanket for Silas to be wrapped in. The small medium blue square in the middle of this blanket is the exact same as the blanket Gideon is wrapped up in. 
So every time Silas is wrapped in this blanket it is like a piece of his big brother is with him. And every time I see it, I will think of both of my precious boys. It means more to me than I can even express.

As we got Silas' room together, it really reminded me that no matter where we hang out hat, no matter where we live, no matter where we have our house, this is not our home. Since Gideon died, I am constantly reminded that our home is not in this temporal place, our ultimate home is in Eternity. And though we all have a purpose to serve here on this earth, our eyes should be fixed on Jesus. This is not our home.

So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies, we are not home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earth bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:6-8