Monday, July 16, 2012

There are no words for this

Sometimes there are no words for what your heart is feeling.

Last night I was praying after I laid down in bed. I put our little Silas in his crib, turned on his Angel Care monitor which makes me feel more at ease, I brushed my teeth and laid next to Todd in bed. I had been feeling very emotional all day. I have days like this, where I miss Gideon more than usual. Where my heart aches.  Most days, I have adjusted to this "new normal." I laugh, I smile, I love and I live. Always remembering Gideon and incorporating the lessons he taught me into my daily life. Yesterday, I hurt more than usual. As I laid in bed, I began praying.

I prayed for God to lead me each day, for His will to be done in my life. I focused on Him and rested in His presence. I prayed for a friend who may be having a miscarriage, I prayed for other friends who lost their son last year and are having fertility issues again. And I prayed for Silas, that he would grow to be a man of God. I prayed that Todd and I would be the kind of parents God wants us to be. And I thought of Gideon. I said to God; "I dont know if it works this way, but can you please tell Gideon how much I love him. Hug him for me. Tell him that I love him." And I began to cry. And emptiness surrounded my heart. My life has a void in it, that can never be filled, it is where Gideon should be.

My heart is encapsulated by intertwined and contradictory emotions. They flow quickly through my heart. Joy, pain, confusion, hope, despair, excitement, uncertainty, assurance, sorrow, love. In addition to these feelings, I experience emotions that I have no words for. Many times, I cannot explain what my heart is trying to say. I can use a million words, and I probably have, but none of them really explain how I feel. Because there are no words for this.

There are no words that exist for the emotions that my heart is experiencing.

So last night as I laid in the darkness with tears in my eyes, my heart cried out to God. Not in words. Just my heart reaching out to His heart. I could say nothing, because there are no words. My tears and heart cried to him. And I clearly heard His voice speak to my heart.

"I know."

That was all he said. Those two simple words truly spoke volumes to my spirit.

He knows. He can give words to my heart. He knows my feelings even though I haven't the words to speak. When there are no words for this, He knows. And He understands. If no one else in the world understands my heart, He does. And I don't even have to speak for Him to understand. I never have to say a word. He knows the deepest parts of my heart. Thank You, Lord, for knowing me fully and for loving me and understanding me when I cannot explain.

"And I don't know what to say, to properly convey
The lines of this earth, the lines of your face
I am small and unsure, but more and more I learn
There are no words; there are no words
There are no words for this"

 This song, Skyline Hill,  is by the group Jenny & Tyler, their music has meant so much to me throughout our  journey with infertility and the loss of Gideon. And the words of this are just really resonating with me today in light of what I have been feeling.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive m thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.- Psalm 139:1-4