Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I am losing it.
No, not my mind. Though my husband is a counselor, he would be able to tell you if I have lost that.
I mean the baby weight. From Silas and from Gideon's pregnancies.
My whole life weight has been a struggle for me. Genetics, out-of-whack hormones, pregnancies, stress. All contributing factors. I mean, I am not 4 feet wide or anything (thank you Jason H. lol) but I do have a lot of weight I need to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.
Having 2 babies back to back is extremely hard on your body. I am going to be honest here. It has totally and completely changed my body. And not exactly for the better. You should see my belly. Wait, no. You shouldn't see my belly. No one should. Hahah.
Now, my boys are worth it. Every single stretch mark, every pound, every inch. They are worth it. I would do it all again if it meant I got to be their mom. I love them both so much. And I would not trade being their mommy for anything. But the reality of it is that pregnancy is changes your body. And I gave birth to 2 babies within 11 months of each other. I was pregnant for 17 out of 19 months! Its like an elephant being pregnant for 2 years!
Wait, I think I just called myself an elephant....
In addition to the extra weight, I am out of shape. I didn't work out during both pregnancies. I was active both pregnancies (except for the bed rest parts). It wasn't like I just sat around. But with Gideon I was put on limitations during my first trimester. And after the first trimester, I was scared to start working out again. I would go on walks about 3-4 times a week, but no real working out. And after he died, I had no desire to lose weight. I was so deep in grief that exercise wasn't on my radar. I could barely get off the couch, let alone work out. And with my pregnancy with Silas, my doctor told me not to start working out, so I was on limitation. Then at the end of my pregnancy, I was on bed rest because I had preeclampsia. Since I had Silas, I have worked out, but I know I need to do more.
So, I have all this extra weight from both pregnancies and I should want to get it off of me.
But I haven't wanted to.
At all. I wanted to keep it on. I kept it wrapped around me like a warm blanket. It made me feel comforted for some reason. I couldn't figure out why I had such a mental block.Why I had no real desire to get back to my pre-pregnancy body. This past fall when I tried, I lost a little bit and then for no reason, I just stopped. I wouldn't want to eat healthy, wouldn't want to exercise any more.
Then it hit me.
I was holding onto it as if it connected me to Gideon. As if part of him was still attached to me, that since I gained the weight with him, that tied me close to him. It was like physical proof that he was really here. That he existed. "See! I have a lot of baby weight. Look at it, see! My son really did live!"
This weight was weight I gained when I was pregnant with him. It is a piece of him left on this earth.
My pregnancy weight I gained with Gideon made me feel closer to him, but I have realized that it is not this that makes me close to him. I am his mom. That never changes. That makes me close to him. This weight is not the only physical reminder of him that I have.
My heart is what connects me to him.
And our cells connect us. Literally.
When a mom gets pregnant, she and the baby share cells. And the mom carries her child's cells in her body for the rest of her life. So, I don't need the pregnancy weight to carry part of Gideon with me. I have him in my cells...and in my heart. And when that isn't enough, I have his clothes, blanket, his footprints, his hair and his pictures to make me feel closer to him.
And most importantly, I have Jesus. My Life with Jesus and Gideon's Eternal life with Jesus ties us together. Because we will be together again. Praising Him.
It was hard to get to the point where I wanted to lose weight. I had to get past all these feelings. I had to work out all my emotions related to my pregnancy weight before I made the choice to try to lose the weight. Its not easy deciding to lose weight as it has been in the past. Losing these pounds are completely tied up in my heart. On this journey that I have started, when the number on the scale goes down, I am proud of myself, however at the same time, its emotional because every pound was a pound I gained when Gideon was alive. I can barely throw out old receipts or bills that I have from when he was alive or get rid of anything I have in my possession from when he lived, so its hard to me to lose the weight I gained when he was alive. Its an emotional battle for me.
But I say all of that to say, I finally want to. Its not going to be easy and it will take a lot of time. But I want to. I know that none of those mental blocks I have are the truth. The truth is that my son is still alive. Alive in Christ in Eternity. And when I focus on that, it makes all the other things fade away. So I can do this.
There are many things motivating me to lose the pregnancy weight. One being that I want to look better and fit back into most all of my clothes. I am sick of wearing the same 5 shirts. Haha. But more than that, I want to be able to be healthy for a next pregnancy, if we have more kiddos. I had preeclampsia with Silas and once you have that in a pregnancy you are much more likely to have it again. One way to decrease the chances of that happening is to lose weight. I do not think my weight caused it to happen (women of all sizes get it) but it can't hurt, right? I also want to be healthy for Todd and for us to be able to continue to do all the things we like to do together for years to come. And I want to be able to be the best mom to Silas and to any future kiddos we might have.
So, here I am, trying to lose all the baby weight. I am about 10 lbs down so far (woohoo!). I have a long way to go. But that's a great start. And each step of the way, I will be remembering my little boy and praising God for every day.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31