Wednesday, May 15, 2013

As I sit here...awake....

I sit here tonight and I remember.

I think back.

Two years ago, I sat awake at this same desk and in the same chair I am sitting now, at 11:50 pm at night pregnant with our first son. Little did I know that in a few short hours, as I slept and dreamed about him, his heart would stop beating.

We had my baby shower that day to celebrate his life on May 14, 2011. I was tired from all the fun but extremely happy. I sat up that night and looked around the room that would soon become his nursery. I gazed at the mountains of presents. Oh, our son was so loved. I didn't know that all of those gifts would soon be boxed up. Never to be used by Gideon. So many of my friends and family were elated we were having a baby because we had waited for a long time. That was one of the best days I had, the day of his baby shower. Celebrating the life of our son and then spending the evening with my amazing husband snuggled up on our couch.

Until today, I could barely look at these pictures. Those are the last pictures I have of him when he was alive, inside of me. I have never posted these pictures before. It has always been too painful. I look at them and I see me, but I don't recognize me. I am the same person, but so very different. God has made me and is constantly making me into someone different. Someone, I hope, more like Himself.  I cannot even explain what it feels like to look at these pictures of him, knowing that he was alive at that point. I want to scream at myself in these pictures and say "Dont you know something is wrong?!?! Dont you know that your son is going to die?!"
But, really, I wouldn't change it because I was so happy! I had never been that happy before in my life. I was (and still am) incredibly in love with my son. God has given me one of the greatest gifts of all. The love that a mother has for her child. And He gave me the gift of loving him and growing him him inside of my womb. For that, I am thankful. And because of those gifts I would never want to take away that joy from the girl in these pictures.

I just now decided that I do really love these pictures.
Reading everyone's advice about mommyhood and their notes to Gideon.

Playing the Guess the Candy in the Diaper game. That was my favorite game!

So happy!

Ha! I am making a crazy face!

More laughter!

The blanket Nana and Granddaddy made for Gideon. I still wrap up in it when  I am missing him.

His bedding that he now shares with his little brother
I held him every moment he lived on this earth.
So, I sit here. Remembering my little guy kicking inside of me. He wasn't very active this day but I was moving around so much I assumed I just wasn't feeling his movement (which would happen a lot, when I was moving a lot it would rock him to sleep, the same thing happened with Silas when I was pregnant with him). I thought he was just sleeping a lot, which I guess he was. He must have been asleep a lot that day because his sweet little heart began to beat more and more slowly. I did feel him move that day (and my sister even felt him move too), so I thought he was ok. I went to sleep that night, with a living child inside of me. I prayed to the Lord that His will be done, as I prayed every night. And I prayed for my son that he would be close to God all the days of his life. And I went to sleep. 

Tonight, 2 years ago, my son died within my body. He went to sleep surrounded by the love of my womb and his heart stopped beating. He woke up surrounded by the love of God. The first face he ever saw was the face of Jesus. 


I love you, Gideon. I dont wish that I could have you back as I would never want to take you from the presence of the Lord because you are experiencing perfect joy, love and peace. And if I could do it all over again, I would just so I could have you. But I miss you. I love you so much and I cannot wait until I see you again. 

I just opened up so I could read a little of the bible and this is the verse of the day. Thank you God for this, for speaking to me right when I needed it. 
As you do not know the path of the wind or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5

Wow. God, I cannot understand you, but you are the Creator of life and you are in control. You love me and you love my children. You hold my heart and guide me. You are the Maker of all things and the lover of my soul. I love you, Jesus. Thank you for coming in right now to bring me comfort in my time of pain. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just came across this blog post, I know it's from a while ago, but it touched me. I have a little boy (8 months old) and when I see things like this, it breaks my heart. You have a beautiful spirit and I hope you faith continues to carry you through your grief. Blessings to you and your family. - Katie