Friday, May 23, 2014

Gideon's 3rd birthday

This year for Gideon, his 3rd birthday, was harder than I expected.

I did a lot of crying. I think it was so agonizing because 3 years is when your child moves from being a baby/toddler into a big kid.

 I miss him and love him. And I cant wait to see him again
For his birthday, I made a cookie cake and a couple days after his birthday Silas and I went to the cemetery and decorated his Mailbox (thats what Todd calls his plot at the cemetery, I love that).  On his birthday, Todd and I remembered him and talked about him, like we do most days. The night of May 17th, of this year, M.E.N.D. held a viewing party for Return To Zero, starring Minnie Driver. It seemed like a great way to remember our son in Heaven. You see, Return to Zero is the first movie ever to be about stillbirth. It was a beautiful, raw and real portrayal of the reality of stillbirth. The death of your child and your dreams for them. (for more information about the movie  go to Return To Zero).

Most days last week were days where I cried.

It was like I was back in the early days. 

It was like I was right there again, in the moment after I had to say goodbye.

At one point, during one of my total break downs this past week. I was bawling and holding onto the Molly bear I have that weighs what Gideon weighed. My arms ached to hold him again. I wanted to see his eyes and to hear his laughter and hold his little hand. I wanted to hear him playing downstairs with his brother. My stomach hurt. I kept feeling phantom movement in my womb. I always feel a hole in my heart where he should be, but this day, it was horrible. The hole in my heart was ripped open and bleeding out with pain.

 I hurt SO much
 And I cried out to God. And God spoke so clearly to me. "Stormy, you are fulfilling My will in your life." Peace fell over me and I was able to breathe again. Everything I am experiencing will bring me closer to Him and will show people Himself. Even though it hurts, I am doing what God wants me to do. I wish my son was here with me, but I know that God is giving me beauty for the ashes.  

I would never trade one second I had with Gideon. I would do it all over again if it meant I got to have him and if it meant I get to be his mommy. I would do it again and again because I am blessed to have my own little warrior for God.

This is the birthday tribute I put in the M.E.N.D.. Newsletter for both of my babies that are with Jesus

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day

This is the article I wrote for the M.E.N.D. Newsletter this year about Mother's Day.