Something most people have never heard of and something even less people experience. Now I can add that to my list of losses.
At 5 weeks pregnant I went to the Dr. so he could do blood work to check my progesterone and HCG. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy and HCG is the pregnancy hormone.
I had low progesterone with my pregnancy with Silas in the first trimester, so I wanted to make sure it was not a problem in this pregnancy too. My results came back with my progesterone as normal, but my HCG was very high and elevated past what is normal for a singleton pregnancy. My doctor had me come in for an early ultrasound. I was 5 weeks 2 days.
When the ultrasound tech scanned my uterus, that is when I saw it. 2 little sacs. 2 sacs. Twins! I said to her "is that what I think it is?" She said "looks like possible twins." I instantly started laughing. I could not stop. We looked at it and I saw something in both sacs, the early development of a baby but it was too early to see anything clearly or a heartbeat. But there was no denying, there were two babies! I thought "I am a twin mom!"
One of the sacs was round and the other was smaller and more flat. The ultrasound tech labeled the smaller sac Baby A, and the bigger sac Baby B. See those 2 beautiful sacs? Those are my twins.
There was a problem.
My doctor explained to me that in cases where one of the sacs isn't as developed, there is a 50% chance that the baby wont make it. Its called a Vanishing Twin. He and his staff were hopeful for me and excited at the possibility that I would be having twins come August.
I started praying that I got to keep both babies! I had church family, MEND family, my biological family and my friends all praying that both babies would make it. That I wouldn't lose one of the babies. We prayed that Baby A would make it. That Baby A would beat the odds. That when I went back in 2 weeks for a follow up ultrasound, that there would be two babies with two beautiful heartbeats. However, I had a feeling things would not work out the way I hoped. I think God was preparing me for what He knew would happen. I just felt in my heart that both babies would not make it. But I hoped and prayed constantly that God would allow me to keep both of them.
We went to our ultrasound appointment at 7 weeks and 2 days to check on the twins.
Baby A went to heaven sometime in the week prior.
The ultrasound tech scanned my uterus and I saw one baby. One baby with a heartbeat. One beautiful baby. But one baby, one heartbeat wasn't there. I began crying and so did Todd. My mom was there with me and I didn't look at her but I know she was crying too. We all wanted both of these babies so much. It was extremely bittersweet. One baby gone. One baby healthy with a beautiful heartbeat of 160.
Here is the surviving twin at 7 weeks 2 days. Pretty cute if I may say so myself.
There was life that was and yet was never was in my arms. This life that deserves to be honored and remembered. This baby that I loved so much already. Gone. Just gone. No physical evidence of his/her existence except for an ultrasound picture. I have had no bleeding, the baby literally vanished. My body will absorb the baby in time and there will be nothing physically left.
Some might say, think or wonder why God would allow us to know about this baby if we were just going to lose him or her. That was actually said to Todd by a friend of his. He thought it would have been better had we never known about the baby at all. Honestly, this really offended me!! Yes, it would be easier on my heart if I had never known this little life. But oh, I would miss out on the love. I would never want less love. I would never want to not know about one of my children!,
I am glad I know about Baby A. I am glad I got to be a twin mom, even if just for a couple of weeks. Because God allowed us to know about Baby A, I believe He will bring gifts and good things from his/her life.
I always said as a kid that I wanted 5 children. Though I would have been happy with 6 children too (hehe). When we were not sure of the outcome for Baby A, my dad said "No matter what happens, you will now always have 5 children." And he is so right, I may have 3 children in Heaven, but I am the mom of 5 kids! They are always mine and nothing can change that. I have one in my arms, one in my belly and 3 in my heart. My sweet Gideon who changed my life more than I can even say. Our Avery who was lost before I got to see her at all. And Baby A (who we will give a name, but we are still deciding) who I got to see but never got to know.
My sweet MEND family sent me flowers in memory of Baby A. I am so thankful that his/her life is already remembered. Only here for a few weeks, but he/she made an impact on our life. I cannot say how much this means to me. That my MEND family values the lives of each one of my children.
This year at the MEND Walk to Remember, I will be getting one more ornament. I will get 3 instead of 2, one for each baby I have in Heaven. I will have to order a new memory sign for the Walk to Remember, since the one I have now only has Gideon and Avery's names and dates on it. I will need one more name and date added to my sign. One more child to wonder what they would have been like. What it would have been like to have twins.
Part of me will always wonder.
Its hard. I am sad. I miss my baby. I miss what could have been. I keep seeing twins everywhere. I saw a set of twins today at the doctor's office. Instead of 2 car seats, we will only be buying one. Instead of preparing and reading up on nursing twins, I won't need to do any reading on nursing, because I already know how to nurse one baby. I wont be buying 2 of everything. I wont get to see my babies interact. I will never get to see the connection they would have had as twins. I will not get to feel 2 babies move inside of me, 4 arms and 4 legs to kick me. I miss Baby A. But I am so happy and praising God for one healthy baby.
I had an ultrasound this week of our surviving twin. And he/she is perfect and growing! Baby B had a heart rater of 183 and is growing perfectly. Look at my cute little gummy bear!! You can see his/her arms and little legs! Look at that giant head! Must take after his/her daddy and big brothers!
Please pray for us. Pray as we are grieving Baby A. Please pray for our surviving baby. Please pray that he or she comes home and is in our arms come this August. Pray for my anxiety for this pregnancy. I am feeling positive but as I know, anything can happen at any point in my pregnancy. Just pray for us, this baby and our hearts.
Thank you all.
2 Thess 3:3 "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." Thank you Lord for your promises!