To My sweet Gideon,
Do you know how much you have changed me and your daddy? From the moment you were conceived you changed us. You changed our hearts in so many ways, more ways than I can even explain. Your daddy and I have never known love like this before. I have the ability to love more deeply because of you. From the moment I knew about you, my heart opened up more and more as I loved you more each day. You gave me the ability to love more fiercely and purely.
The day you were born changed us even more. Looking into your face, holding you, kissing you, becoming a family. Seeing you, laying eyes on you. I miss every moment of that. I can remember exactly the way it felt to hold you, to have your hand in mine, to kiss you. I was so afraid I was going to forget how it felt, but I haven't, I remember exactly, and I never will forget. You are a part of me. It has been 3 months since I held you, 3 months today, and we miss you more than ever.
Gideon, your daddy said when he held you it was like holding all his sorrow and all his joy at the same time.
He was so right on that. Gideon, you were the joy in our lives, you still are. You know that you brought more joy to us than any other person on earth? You still are our joy. And yet, holding you, after you had passed away was the most sorrow we had experienced. Our hearts were broken because you were gone from us. I also think holding you was like holding all of our love in our arms.We love you so much. We love you more today than yesterday. My love for you will grow every day of my life.
Mommy and daddy miss you so much, every moment of the day. Every minute of the day you are with me in my heart. I take you with me wherever I go. I think about you all the time. I thought about you as we traveled to Niagara Falls while your daddy and I held hands watching the water flow powerfully. I wanted you to see the beauty of that moment with us. I think about you while I watch your cousins play, there will always be one cousin missing. I think about you while I am at the grocery store wondering what food you would have liked. I think about you when I look into your daddy's face because your face looked so much like his. I think about what you are doing right now, in the presence of the Lord. I wonder, what exactly are you doing, my little love? Are you dancing, singing, eating, talking, playing baseball? What are you doing? Oh Gideon, how I wish I knew what you were doing right in this moment and how I long to be with you.
My sweet Gideon, Saying your name is precious to me. Having your name cross my lips is as sweet as drinking cold iced tea on a hot day. It is as sweet as a soft kiss. It hurts every single day that I dont get to say your name while looking into your face. So I look at your pictures and tell you "I love you, Gideon" every day. I want to whisper your name to you while I tell you goodnight. I want to be able to yell your name at you when you have gotten into the candy jar and its 10 minutes until dinner. I want to say your name and you look at me and smile. Your name is so precious to me. But, you know what Gideon, since losing you, the name of the Lord has become more precious to me. His name is above all other names. You, your life, your earthly death and your eternal life has made me love Jesus more.You did that for me. Jesus is more precious to me than ever. So thank you, my son, for giving your mommy that gift.
I look at your pictures every day. I long to feel you and kiss you again. I long to have you back in my arms. It has been 3 months since I delivered you. In some ways it feels longer, but mostly it feels like just yesterday. I am sad every day that I miss out on the things we would be doing together. I wanted to make your Halloween costume this year (you were going to be a little golfer, since your daddy loves golf so much. I was even going to make you a golf bag with golf clubs in it!). We were looking forward to every thanksgiving and Christmas. Buying you gifts and writing your name on the presents. I was so looking forward to the day when I heard you pray out loud for the first time. I wanted to teach you about Jesus and who He is. Daddy and I bought you a book about 2 weeks before you were born. I was so looking forward to reading to you. It is called "What is God Like?" I was excited to get to share with you who God is. But, you know what God is like better than I do now. You are right there with Him, and you have been every second for the last 3 months. Instead of me teaching you what God is like, because of you, I am learning more about God is like than I ever did before.
Thank you, Gideon, for changing my life. Because of you, I love Jesus more. You have changed so many peoples lives. Did you know that? Your life has brought people closer to the Lord. I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be your mommy. You have given me a drive that I have never had before, a drive for your life to be remembered and more importantly a drive to see people getting closer to God. That is the way it should be, my son. We are all supposed to be living for the Lord. And that is what I truly want to do.
Honestly, I would rather have you here, in my arms. But that cannot be. I would rather be changing a dirty diaper than sitting here writing you a letter. But I look forward to the day when we can be together again. I am so looking forward to when the new heaven and earth are created, and the old has passed away. My whole family worshiping the Lord together. As much as I want you back, I believe that Jesus has a purpose in all of this. And as much as I want to hold you, I would never take you away from Eternity because I know you are completely happy, completely in peace and have complete joy. What kind of mother would I be to want to take you away from that?
My sweet boy, you are loved beyond measure by me and your daddy and your whole family. I cannot say enough to you. No amount of words would be enough. There will always be more that I want to tell you. But I will say this now. I love you, Gideon. I love you for being the most precious gift God has given us. I love you for being you.We love you in a way we have never loved before. I love you. I miss you so much.
See I will create a new heaven and a new earth, the former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. Isaiah 65:17