Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cheated? Robbed?

I feel cheated and robbed.

I would have been such a good mom to Gideon. I feel like motherhood was snatched out of my hands before I even could grasp onto it.  Don't get me wrong, I am Gideon's mom. I will always be his mom. He will always be my first born child. He is and will always be part of my family. When people ask me "How many kids do you have?" I will always mention Gideon..... But I never got the chance to mother him. It hurts. At the moment as we were closing our hands around our future as parents, it was gone. I miss our son more and more each day. I love him so much. The depth of my hurt is immeasurable.

Its just not fair. Its not fair.

Maybe I sound like a kid whining and stomping her feet. Maybe that is what I am being today, a little kid.... I have been screaming and crying today....Seriously....Actually screaming with grief. I was uncontrollably weeping today on my couch. My crying started to build and get louder as my body shook harder and harder. I clung tightly to Gideon's blanket burying my face into it. My body then went limp, but it felt as if my head was still on fire. The next thing I know I am screaming into Gideon's blanket. Just screaming in agony. I couldn't really control it. I just miss him. So much.

I feel cheated out of all the time we should have had with him. I am sad for all the things we are missing out on. All the laughs, the hugs, the smiles, the tears. Those things, that should have been, are gone. Stripped away from us.I am thankful for the 33 weeks I got with him. Thankful for every single moment. But I feel like we were robbed. We were robbed of years. Years of seeing Gideon live. Years of  love, of hugs, of diaper changing, breast feeding, learning to walk and talk and read, years of schooling, playing with his cousins, praying together as a family, going on trips, seeing him graduate high school and go to college and get married. We will miss seeing the man our son would become.
 I often think about what Gideon would have looked like on his wedding day. I picture my son, standing at the front of a church with a woman in a white gown next to him. I picture him looking nervous and excited, quite like his daddy did on our wedding day. I can see me and Todd sitting next to each other, holding hands and smiling, with tears in our eyes, at this man we have raised. Gideon would have looked so very handsome. I know he would have....But, these are just dreams. This is not reality. That future dissolved on the day we heard the nurse tell us he was gone. This fantasy will never be.

I just want him back. Can't I just get him back??!?! I want to go to his plot, get a shovel and get him out of the ground. I want to get him out of there!! He shouldn't be buried!! He should be with his mommy and daddy. I long to go to him, to be with him. I feel desperate. I feel compelled to get him out of the ground. Like if I could just get him out of that casket, everything would be ok again. If I had him in my arms everything would be ok.... But Gideon is not in the ground. I cannot bring him back from death. He isn't with his body anymore. He is in Eternity. And I am thankful for that. I really am. But I long to see him one more time. However, I know one more time would not be enough.

A baby should not be dead. Its just not right. I know God weeps with us because He hates death as much as, he hates it more, than we do.

In reality, we weren't cheated. God would not cheat us out of anything. He has a purpose for everything. Gideon lived the amount of days that was ordained for him. He lived those days with a specific purpose given to him by God. He lived until the exact moment God decided. God chose precisely when his life started and when it ended. God's purpose is bigger than my understanding.

Were we cheated? No....Robbed? Not really. ...Do I feel that way? Yes.... It is the truth? No....I know when to draw the line between truth and feelings. God's truth never changes. My feelings do. But I cannot deny I have these feelings. I have to take the time to feel each one of them to its fullest extent. If I don't, I will never grieve properly. I have to process each one of these thoughts and feelings and lift them up to God. And give these feelings to Him. I have to let Him heal me in His time. I have to let Him do whatever work He is doing at whatever pace He decides. I am open to Him. I am willing to do what He wants.

I am feeling all over the place today. My emotions are erratic and so are my thoughts. Gideon's due date is on Friday and so I am having a harder time the closer we get to that day. I am trying to take it one step at a time, cling onto God, and let him guide us down this path.

I read this verse yesterday when I was reading the bible & doing a bible study. It pretty much sums up how I am feeling today:
"The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will not forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each morning" Lamentations 3:19-23....Amen.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


Today I am thankful.

Is that a strange thing to say when you had a funeral for your son just 5 short weeks ago? It probably is. Even still, I am thankful. Though my heart is raw and bleeding, I am thankful to the One who chose me to be the mother of my son.

I am thankful that my son never sinned. Thank you that Gideon never got the chance to sin or really be around sin. Thank you that he was not tainted by all the bad things in this world. All my son knew was my womb, love from us and love from You. Gideon was never around any of the evil in the world. He just lived inside of me growing, playing and being loved. I sin every single day. We are constantly bombarded with the horrible things of this world, yet my son was not. Your protected him from that. Thank you that he went from knowing nothing but earthly love, to being with You where he knows nothing but eternal love. God, you kept him safe from sin. Thank you, Father.

 Thank you Lord that all my son did, through his whole life, was bring glory to You.

My heart constantly hurts and the overwhelming grief hits me at times. But even though my wound is open and bleeding, I am trying to seek after the joy of the Lord. Joy is not dependent on what is happening in our lives, joy exists where Christ is. So today, I am choosing Jesus. As much as I feel physically ill from grief, I choose Him. I choose to be thankful today. I am making that choice. I choose to glorify the Lord for all that he has done.

So, Thank you Father. Thank you for who ou are. Thank you for being the Creator of life and that you created Gideon. Thank you, Jesus for loving us. Thank you that you loved us enough to provide a way to spend eternity with You. Thank you for breath and life and hope. Thank you for Your peace that transcends understanding.  Thank you for my sweet son. I am so very thankful that we had a wonderful 33 weeks with our Gideon. Thank you for every memory we have of him. Thank you for allowing me to be his mom. Thank you for giving us those wonderful hours to hold him, kiss him, and to look into his face. I am thankful for my hubby, who is the best father in the world. Thank you that I am married to a man who loves sacrificially. Thank you for my family who I now feel closer to than ever. Thank you for my friends who I love. Thank you because your love endures forever. Thank you for giving us the ability to love. Thank you.

Thank you that my son is with you. Thank you for loving him more than I could ever love him. As hard as that is for a mother to say, thank you for taking care of my son better than I could. Thank you for giving him nothing but joy.

Thank you that my son never had a chance to sin and that he has eternal life with You.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstance; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Friday, June 24, 2011


"No one ever told me that grief felt so life fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid."  A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

I have never had anxiety before now.

The night that I delivered Gideon I felt extreme debilitating anxiety. He was gone. My sweet little boy was supposed to be still inside of me was gone. I felt totally lost without him, I still do. Thankfully, they gave me an anxiety med so I could actually sleep. Todd stayed with me and slept on the couch in the hospital room, while I was in the bed. I had to leave the TV on while I slept so I would feel less alone. It was too quiet and too dark. Had I not had the tv on or those meds I would not have slept that night, I would have just wept in my bed. However as strong as those meds were, I woke up very early the next morning with terror in my heart. I realized that was the first morning I was without Gideon. The first thing I thought when I awoke was "He is gone, this is the first day of the rest of my life without Gideon" and I burst into tears. Todd woke up to comfort me as my body shook with grief.

My OBGYN prescribed me some medicine for me to take for anxiety when I got home. I took it every night for the first 2 weeks.My anxiety level was so high there was no way I would be ableto relax enough to fall asleep. I didn't take it during the day because it made me groggy and I didn't want to get to where I depended on it. But, thankfully, it did help me sleep at night. I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all had I not had that medicine. Every night I have terrible nightmares. In every dream Gideon is gone and I am either searching for him, or crying and grieving him. I had one dream where I was holding Gideon and he started to move around. He kicked his legs, moved his arms about and was squirming in my arms. I was so excited because he was alive! The doctors had made a mistake! I ran to go get everyone and to tell them that Gideon was ok, but by the time I was almost to where everyone was, Gideon was limp in my arms. I woke up from that dream and cried out. It was the worst dream I have ever had. The awful part is, that dream is my reality... I have always had extremely vivid and detailed dreams, but now I have vivid and detailed nightmares. So even my rest isn't restful.

After about 2 weeks, I stopped taking the meds and I tried to sleep on my own. I would say I am somewhat successful. I stay up very late every night and only go to bed when I am exhausted because nighttime is a big time of anxiety for me now.
When I lay in bed at night, all I can think about is Gideon. I pray to God to show me how to handle this life he has give us and to give us peace...And I think about Gideon. The majority of my prayers to the Lord are about Gideon and how much we are hurting. I lay in bed after I have prayed and think about how it felt to hold Gideon and kiss him and to see Todd kiss him. I lay in bed while tears stream down my face and I cry silently so I don't wake up Todd. Todd has to hear my weeping all during the day, I don't want him to have to go without sleep because I am crying. My heart aches for my son, I long to have him moving around and kicking me from the inside. When I was pregnant with Gideon, I loved going to bed, I would lay in bed and rub my belly and he would move all around. It was always comforting and special that I had Gideon with me at night. I was never alone. However now, when the sun goes down, my anxiety increases because I will eventually fall asleep and dream horrible dreams and wake up the next morning with an empty heart.

Mornings are as bad as night. Every day I wake up and think "Today is another day without my son." It is always one of the first thoughts that comes into my head. I wake up every day to a world where our son is not waking up. And each day I am one day further away from when he was with us.
For the first 3 and a half weeks, I would immediately start weeping when I woke up. Thankfully, I do not always cry first thing when I get up. But, inevitability, it will come later. Honestly, I would rather just stay up all night every night and never sleep so I don't have to wake up to this reality every day. Waking up and realizing that this is my life every morning is horrific. Just this morning I woke up after having another bad dream and I became anxious immediately. I started to think about my sweet Gideon and I cried. My reality is always the same, he is always gone and he will not come back to this world.  The pieces of our life are broken, never to be put back together again. Not this side of eternity.

I feel like I am waiting for someone to come who is never going to show up.

When I am feeling anxious, if I cry out to Him to give my heart peace, He does. I can feel Him take my heart in His hands and slow the pounding beats. I feel his arms wrap around me and my tight chest loosens. My pain doesn't go away, it won't go away until I get to eternity. But the Lord hears me. He hears every cry, every shout, every groan in agony. I thank Him for loving me and for loving my Gideon. I thank Him for loving us enough that He sacrificed Himself to give us eternal life. And because of that sacrifice and because I believe he is Lord, I will get to be in eternity with Him and with my son. I know that the Father will sustain us. He is the only reason I survive each day. He is the reason.

Wow, the last week has been really hard for me. I love our son so much and I miss him more every day. Today it feels like I am back to square one. I am told this is a normal part of the process. I am told that anxiety is normal. That this is part of it. But the last thing I feel right now is normal. I usually rarely feel anxiety or fear, but it seems that this is partially how my grief is manifesting itself. Honestly, there is little I can do about it really. I just have to let myself feel everything I am feeling. I cannot stuff it down or put it away because then it will only get worse. I must confront each feeling I have, and eventually the anxiety will subside. It will never go away for good. Grief will always be part of our life from now on. At some point, I will just learn how to live with this grief that is always in my heart. It has become a permanent part of our life. We just put one foot in front of the other, and when we can't, we ask God to do it for us.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Can I trust?

I never fully understood what it meant to cry out to the Lord, not really. I get it now. 

I have had heartache in my life. Even though I have an optimistic outlook on life, my life hasn't been all sunshine and roses.  Todd and I  have had a rough road (years of infertility, a miscarriage, money issues, work issesu , etc) and at the time, I thought I was really crying out to the Lord. Well, now that Gideon has died, I get what that really means. It is a deep groaning of your spirit, where nothing can calm you or give you peace except for the Lord. So you cry out to Him in excruciating pain and desperation for His hand to touch you.

Last week, during one of the many times I was weeping and crying out to Him, the Lord spoke to me in a huge way.

I was praying/crying and I told Him this "I dont feel like I could trust You because You took away one of the people I love the most how do I know you aren't going to take away my husband, or my family or my future children? How do I know you wont do that?  I know these people, even my children, are not mine to begin with, they are Yours. But I am struggling with trusting you."

And the Lord responded...Its interesting to me what he chose to tell me in response.

 He gave me an image of Gideon.

I saw my Gideon, as a full grown man, sitting at a banquet table with a cup in his left hand....My son was laughing and his face was full of complete joy.  I have never seen a look like that before. His laugh was one of the most pure images I have ever seen. He wasn't laughing at anything in particular, not a joke, or something like that, he was just laughing ...laughing with peaceful innocence because he is in the presence of the Lord. Because being in the presence of the Lord is enough... His face was filled with love, the love of God was being reflected there. That kind of love can only come from the Lord. It was beautiful. Gideon's smile and laugh was the personification of true beauty.


I stopped crying in that instant and smiled. My heart filled with joy. I wish I could describe the exactly what his face looked like, I just don't think there are words in the English language that can. That image was God's way of telling me I can trust Him...look at the joy and peace in Gideon's face. God never answers you the way you think he should. I guess that is why he is God. But he always gives you the exact answer you need at the exact right moment.

Today has been hard day again. It has been 5 weeks since I gave birth to Gideon. Five weeks since I held him close and kissed him. I love him so much and every part of me misses him. But when I think of where he is today and I picture that image of my son laughing, it gives me so much peace and comfort. But, I still miss him. I always will for the rest of my life.       

But, oh, my son is being loved beyond what I can imagine.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Is this really my life?

I wasn't planning to write anything today but I had to get my emotions out.

Today has been a really hard day. I am not sure exactly why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know what has made today extra emotional. Maybe because tomorrow will be a month from Gideon's funeral. Maybe because today I got our "Certificate of Ownership" for Gideon's burial plot. It is heart wrenching that the first piece of land we own is the place where our son is buried.

I miss my sweet Gideon. Gosh, I love our son so much. I have been crying all day long and my heart is so heavy. I am sitting here weeping as tears stream down my face getting onto my keyboard. When I think of Gideon an emptiness surrounds me because he is gone. It shouldn't be this way!!!! NO! He should be herewith me and his daddy!!! He should be inside of me moving all around and kicking me. I should be getting anxious about his pending birth. We should be putting the car seat in the car and packing my bag for the hospital. But we aren't...We never will..because our son died...He died....he died...

He is gone and he took my heart with him. How do you live without your heart?

I can't fill my lungs up with air to take a breath because I feel a physical weight on my chest. My heart actually aches. It feels like someone punched me in the chest and is literally crushing my heart. It is as if someone has their hands squeezing my throat so I cannot swallow. Five weeks ago, I didn't know that grief was such a visceral experience. It hurts. I hurt.

Sometimes its just too much.

I don't think someone really cannot imagine this pain unless you have gone through losing a child. Before this, I didn't know pain like this existed. Today I feel as if I am drowning in grief. I miss him so much. My heart physically aches for him. My arms crave to hold him. My lips want to kiss away his tears. My heart feels empty...My womb feels empty.

Wait, is this really my life?
I still sometimes can’t believe it. I still can’t believe that my son will never be with us on earth. It is surreal to me at times, like it couldn't have really happened. Then other times I am suffocated by the reality of our life. I know this is my reality. This is how it will always be. I will always be a mother to a baby who has died. I will never hold my son again while on this earth. I know this is my life, but it is such a bizarre feeling to be the parents of a stillborn baby. It is painful beyond measure.
It is impossible to describe how it feels to have delivered a baby who is not alive. That is supposed to be a time of life and it was a time of death. My body was supposed to hold life in it and yet it didn’t. I gave birth to a baby, and he was gone. I can barely comprehend that at times. I am sure it will always be strange. How do you fully wrap your mind around the fact that your child died inside of you? I don't think you really can. Not totally. I will always bear the scar of a woman who has had their child die.
In a single moment, your whole world comes crashing down around you. What do you do then?
I guess the only thing to do is to cry out to the Lord and ask Him to put His arms around me, comfort me and give me peace. Which thankfully, he is faithful to do. I do know that God knows how I feel. He loses his children every day, for eternity. Praise the Lord, I will not be separated from our son for eternity, but only for this life. I will be with him again. And I will get to be with Him!
It sounds so easy to just trust the Lord. I am not going to lie, in this situation, it is not. It is not easy to have faith in Him when your child has died. But I do. I really do. I trust that He has a plan. I may cry with grief and I do not understand at all, but I do believe that He will work things for His glory. I trust that Gideon's life has a purpose and that we haven't even begun to see what that is. I believe that the Lord is good and that He will hold us in His hands.I believe that God cries with us because we are hurting. I believe that He loves us and loves Gideon. I believe that Jesus lived a life without sinning and sacrificed his own life to die on a cross so that we may have salvation and the hope of an eternal life with Him. As I write these words, my tears are drying and I have stopped weeping because these words give me comfort. I am still in pain, but these words, as I am typing them, are speaking truth into my heart.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8
Thank you Father.
And I want to especially thank you for making me Gideon's mom.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

He is a daddy

My husband is a daddy.

Actually he has been a father for 3 years now. A lot of people don't know that Todd and I actually have 2 children. Both are with the Lord. Three years ago we found out we were pregnant after going through a long road to get there. Todd and I fell in love with our child immediately. We began making plans and dreams for our life. Unfortunately, too soon, we discovered the baby wasn't developing and I would have a miscarriage. We were heartbroken. We never knew if our child was a boy or a girl. So we gave our child the name Avery. I always liked that name for both boys and girls. I then decided his or her middle name would be Lynn, like me. Our oldest child is with the Lord right now with his or her younger sibling, Gideon. I am so glad they are there waiting for us!

After we lost Avery, we started to try again for another baby, it would be a very long, hard 2 and a half years before the Lord would allow us to conceive Gideon. He was a miracle from the start. His existence was a miracle because we didn't think we would be able to get pregnant without fertility medicine. My hubby became a daddy again. We were thrilled as can be and would tell anyone who would listen about the miracle God had done.

Immediately, Todd began to change from a husband into a husband and daddy. Lots of men don't really connect with their unborn children, but Todd did. I think it is because we went so long trying to have a baby and we knew that this could be our only child, so Todd dove in head first and loved our son without abandon. From October 23 last year, the day I found out we were pregnant, Todd started to change into a stronger man. Into a father. I saw an amazing transformation is happening in my husband in the weeks I was pregnant. Every single day, Todd's love for our child and his excitement grew.

Todd was interested in my endless updates telling him how the baby was developing that week. "Oh, the baby is growing fingernails this week" or "The babys heart has developed this week" or whatever. He would listen to everything I had to say about Gideon (and trust me, I talked about Gideon A LOT! I still do). Anytime Gideon started to move, Todd would put his hand on my belly in the hopes that he would be able to feel his son. He would talk to Gideon all the time. When Gideon would kick my bladder or my back would hurt, Todd would joke and say "No more Icees for you Gideon until you are nicer to mommy." That made me laugh. We talked endlessly about the plans we had for Gideon. Todd made his own plans for our son, special things Todd wanted to do with our son. He planned to teach Gideon to play golf. Todd wanted to teach Gideon a love for sports. We planned on taking Gideon to an Astros game for his 1st birthday. Todd wanted to teach Gideon about the love of the Lord. He wanted to teach him how to grow into a man of God and into a husband and a father. Todd dreamed and wanted so many things for Gideon way before he was due to arrive.

Todd has changed exponentially since we found out Gideon had passed away. He has always been strong, has always been a caring man and has always done what is best for our family. The moment Gideon was born, the moment Todd laid eyes on him, Todd instantly changed. And over the last month, my husband has transformed into this extremely strong, even more loving, and I think more brave man. Todd is so brave. He is a wonderful father, the most loving father I have ever seen.
I know that because of Gideon, he will be an even better father to our future children. Todd told me that he doesn’t think he would have changed like this so much if it weren’t for Gideon. And that if God used Gideon’s death to bring about that change, then he will praise the Lord for the work he is doing. He would rather have Gideon here, but that cannot be. Gideon changed his daddy, for the good.
Todd's love for me and my love for him has transformed and morphed into something new. We loved each other before with everything we had, but because of our son, our capacity to love each other grew. Also. our love for our son multiplied on the day he was born. When we laid our eyes on our son our hearts grew. I think of the story of the "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" when it says that the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day. That is how we feel. It feels as if our hearts literally grew when we saw our son.
Thank you, Gideon. Thank you for everything you have done for your family. Thank you for showing us how deep love can reach. Because of you, your daddy is closer to the Lord. Because of the impact you made on us, your daddy is more passionate for Jesus. I can see that your daddy has become more compassionate and more loving towards others and he loves God more. Gideon, because you came into our lives, your daddy has more faith in the Father.
We didn't go to church today because Todd didnt know if he could handle it. It has been an incredibly emotional day for us. Gideon's absence is a huge emptiness in our life and the celebration of father's day amplifies that emptiness. What do you do when your son is not with you to celebrate Father's day? How do you wrap your mind around the fact that your son will never be there hug you on this day? Gideon will never tell his daddy "Happy Father's day, I love you Daddy." He will never give Todd an ugly tie or some goofy golf paraphernalia. We will never see Gideon make his daddy a card for this day. When everyone celebrates on this day, Todd grieves. Really, words cannot describe the pain.

Todd is a daddy. You have to be a strong and loving father to survive what we have gone through. Some people might not recognize Todd as a father because our children are not alive. But, when you are filled with terror as you hear the words, "I am so sorry", you are a father. When you grasp your wife's hand as she is in labor to deliver your child who is stillborn, you are a father. When you hold your son's body and weep over him, you are a father. When you kiss your son's forehead and feel his cold skin on your lips, you are a father. When you have to pick out what clothes you want your son to be buried in, you are a father. When you cradle your wife every day as she cries because she misses your son, you are a father. When you go to work even though you are experiencing indescribable pain, you are a father. When you pray and cry out to God to heal your broken heart and give you peace, you are a father.

When You heal the brokenhearted and lift up those crushed, You are the Father.

I wonder what our kids are up to right now. Do they talk about their mom and dad? Are they anxiously and excitedly waiting for us to get there? I bet they are wishing their daddy a happy father's day. I know that even though we cry with emptiness today, they are joyful. And I know they are worshiping the Heavenly Father on this day and every day.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I still remember

Every day I think about our son. Gideon is always on the forefront of my mind. I think about my pregnancy, his birth, spending time with him, his funeral and so much more. I still remember everything so clearly. There are holes in my memory though. From the time the nurse told us he had died until they told me it was time to deliver him, there are gaps in my memory. I was in shock and I think God is protecting me from those memories and those feelings. But other than that, I still remember.

I still remember having him in my arms. I want Gideon back in my arms so bad. I feel emptiness in my arms. My arms crave to hold him. I physically ache to have him back in my arms. I can feel the weight of him there and the way it felt to move him from one arm to the other, and the way it felt to hand him to Todd and the way it felt to touch him and move his hand around with his fingers draped over mine. Most of all I can still feel on my lips the way it felt to kiss him, his cool smooth skin beneath my lips. Gideon’s sweet skin against mine. I remember vividly them laying him on my chest after he came out and me looking at him for the first time. Todd bravely cut the cord & was such a sweet daddy to Gideon. I kept touching Gideon and telling him “I love you, I am so sorry” I think I told him “I love you” a hundred times that day. Seeing Todd hold him was one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen and one of the hardest because I knew that the time for that was short. I would not see that again after that day. I will never in this life see my husband hold Gideon. Seeing Todd hold our child was beautiful. It was like it all came natural to him at that moment. I remember clearly watching Todd when he was saying goodbye to Gideon. Todd said “I will not forget you. You will always be my son. I love you” and Todd gave him a kiss. It was such a beautiful and heart wrenching moment. How can you say goodbye? How do you say goodbye to your child?
I remember when at one point, I asked everyone to step out of the room so I could have alone time with my son. I could tell in my heart that the time was near for me to let him go. I feel like the Lord gave me so much peace in that time. I remember I had him in my left arm and I looked into his face and talked to him, even though I know Gideon was not in his body. I told him everything we had dreamed for him and how excited we were when we found out we were going to have him and how much we love him and that he was my "icee baby". I told him as much as I could think of to tell him because I would never get to say these things to my sons face while on this earth. I had so much to tell him. So much. Oh, that time was beautiful. I wanted to hold that moment forever.
I clearly remember when Todd climbed in the hospital bed with me while I held Gideon and we just looked into our son's face. It was precious and it didn't last long enough. Nothing short of eternity is enough. Praise the Lord I get to have eternity with Him and to be there with my son and husband.
I remember me and Todd putting Gideon’s clothes on him. That was a beautiful moment to us. It was about 30 minutes or so after he was born and they had just given him a bath. I am so glad we had a little Astros outfit to put him in. We wanted to get him an Astros outfit to bring him home from the hospital in, so I was so glad we had one to put him in that day. But we will never bring my son home with us. We will never sit in our house together as a family. We will never tuck him in, we will never hear his cry or wipe his tears, or change his diaper. We will never hear his breathing or hear “I love you Daddy”.
I can so clearly remember hearing his heartbeat at every doctors appointment. I can play the sound of his heart in my head. I specifically remember how fast it was. Todd and I remember so clearly seeing him on the ultrasound at my 21 week appointment. Todd held my left hand and we looked at our little boy. My mom and dad were there in the room looking at their grandson. How relieved we were that everything was ok. Seeing all 4 chambers of his heart pumping was amazing. It was a miracle. He is still a miracle. We thought Gideon was going to be ok. We both felt in our hearts that Gideon was going to be ok. But, you know, he is ok. He is better than ok right now. He is with the Lord. I just thought that he would be with us.
One of my favorite things to remember is that Todd would always say “Hey Gideon” to our son in this really cute, sweet tone of voice. I can remember exactly the tone he used when he said it. I loved when he did that. I remember what it felt like when Todd would put his hand on my belly to show Gideon how much he was loved. He would talk to Gideon every day and tell him how much he loved him. I remember so many details of my pregnancy in such great detail. When I got pregnant I told myself that I wanted to remember everything I could about this pregnancy. Because Todd and I have infertility problems, we didn't know if we would have another chance at having another child (we still don't know if we will), so I wanted to make sure I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy.
I so clearly remember finding out we were pregnant and Todd and I hugged and cried while standing in the bathroom. I remember telling my parents that day, telling our close friends that day and the looks on their faces. I remember going to the doctor for the first time and being scared when the lab tech did the ultrasound wrong so we thought we were going to lose the baby, Praise the Lord we didn't! I remember seeing his heart at my 8 week appointment and everyone calling him Rainbow (its a inside family joke. haha), and me saying that we cant call the baby Rainbow in case he was a boy, Todd telling me “see he is a Mitchell he is strong”. I loved shopping for maternity clothes before I even needed them. I wore them before I needed them. I remember telling everyone on Thanksgiving about being pregnant and how thankful I was that day. Gideon got his first and only Christmas present from my mom and dad; a glowworm. I remember me feeling him move for the first time while Todd’s hand was on my belly at 19 weeks( actually the first 3 times I felt Gideon move Todd’s hand was on my belly), he loved his daddy from the start. I remember exactly when Todd felt Gideon move for the first time.Todd's head was on my belly and Gideon kicked him a few times in the head. That was on St. Patricks day. I remember how I felt when we found out he was a boy on Feb 17th, naming him the next day. I remember us taking him to the rodeo and Tim McGraw concert and him dancing to the music. I remember singing to him every day especially in the car. I clearly remember me crying at weird things like the songs Centerfield and Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer and watching my belly grow. I remember feeling him move stronger and stronger and being able to see him move from the outside for the first time. I remember when I would read, my book would bounce because I had my arms resting on my belly and Gideon would kick so hard. I remember so many times that Todd spent rubbing my belly. I remember one time Todd was able able to hear Gideon move inside me. I remember hearing his heartbeat at every appointment and that Gideon liked to move a lot at nighttime but he didn't react when I was being loud because he was used to it. I remember feeling him move at Grandmas funeral when the bible was being read about salvation. I remember me craving Icees and drinking them all the time (I drank more Icees in that 7 months than I have in my entire life) and going shopping at Target to pick out Gideon’s things and talking to my Gideon everywhere we went. I remember never feeling alone because I always had Gideon with me. I remember having those aches and pains and being happy about it, everything was precious to me. I hope I never forget it. I don't think we will. I will remember and cherish everything about my first born child.
I will remember my son's spirit. I will remember his personality. I will remember him.
I am so thankful for all the moments I remember of my son. I am so thankful for every single moment. Every single one of them. I will remember them all. We didn't take any moment for granted. If I had, then I might have regret now that he is gone. But I don't have any regrets because we gave everything we could to Gideon while he was alive and we will give everything we can to him in death. I hope that soon I will be able to smile when I think of the moments I had with him and laugh at the funny moments, instead of smiling sometimes while crying or just crying and bawling. I am so thankful of the time we got to have with him. I will remember as much as I can throughout my whole life. How can you forget your son? You can't. I was afraid that we might forget things about him. But we wont. We will always remember everything. I am thankful to have a memory. I am thankful that I can remember him.
I will remember that the Lord is faithful and good. He is my refuge and strength and my ever present help in trouble.

Psalm 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.