Monday, July 25, 2011

Suitcase

Grief is like a gigantic suitcase filled with weights.

You cannot leave this suitcase behind, you cannot walk away from it. It is with you for the rest of your life, it is your baggage. You must take it everywhere you go.This suitcase is extremely big and heavy. This suitcase is the biggest of the bunch, by far. When you are first given the suitcase, you cannot move it. You pull and pull on it and it never budges. Your body becomes weak, sore and exhausted. You push and pull on it every single day and try to move with it, but you cannot. Eventually after weeks, maybe months, you start to become a little stronger from all the pushing and pulling and you can budge it forward just a tiny bit. Eventually, after time, you can start to drag it around with you. It still hurts and you strain to bring it along with you. More time progresses, and you can carry it on your back, but you move so very slowly and your legs strain under the weight of this suitcase. After more time passes, probably years later, you are able to carry it with you, wherever you go. You move at a similar speed as you did before you were given this suitcase. However, you cannot move the same way as you did before. That is now impossible since you are strapped with this suitcase. As you carry this suitcase, you do not always move with the greatest of ease, but you lift it instead of drag it. Some days it hurts to carry it and other days you barely notice the weight of it, but it is always with you. It has become part of your life. You always know it is there. You learn to live with it. You learn how to carry it along with everything else you carry. It is by far the biggest and the heaviest suitcase you have.

The suitcase never gets smaller, it never gets lighter, you just become strong enough to carry it.

That is what this intense grief is like for me. Right now, I would say, I am at the barely dragging stage. At first, I could not even budge it. There was no way for me to even function in the world. I couldn't take it with me anywhere because it was just too heavy. Today, I can drag it, inch by inch. It is still almost too much for me to bear. Carrying this grief with me strains every single muscle in me. It hurts everywhere and it wears me out. The weight of the suitcase has injured me. Maybe beyond repair. But one day, I will learn to live with that pain. Just like I will learn to live with this grief. In the future, I will be strong enough to carry this around with me, most days with ease.

Today is not that day.

However, I will become stronger than I would have become without this suitcase.

I believe that the Lord is well acquainted with grief and sorrow. Jesus was described as a "man of sorrows" or a "man of suffering" in Isaiah 53. He truly knows what it is like to carry an immeasurable weight around with you. His weight was much bigger than mine, Jesus carried the heaviest and biggest suitcase there is in existence. I find comfort in knowing that He knows this deep and bitter anguish. He can identify with me; having this broken heart. He understands that right now, my suitcase is too heavy for me to carry it alone. But I know that He is strong enough, and so He gives me the strength. He gives me the endurance to carry this suitcase of grief. The beautiful thing is that I do not only feel grief; I feel immense and deep love towards Gideon, and hope because I will see him again and peace that the Lord gives. Those things never make this suitcase smaller, but they make me stronger. The Father makes me stronger every day. His strength sustains me.

Ten weeks I have had this suitcase and it will be with me the rest of my life. I cannot wait until we get to eternity and every single suitcase we carry with us disappears forever.

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure" 2 Samuel 22:33

8 comments:

LinseyLoo said...

Such beauty and truth in your words! Jesus is certainly the great empathizer, and He is all the strength you will ever need. He helps us bear all things. Always let Him hold you! I love you! He loves you so much more!! =)

Stormy said...

I love you Lins. Thank you so much. He really is our strength. I would not have made it this far without Him.

Patty Eaton said...

I wish there was something I could do, or say...that would make the suitcase lighter. When I think of you, I think of Gideon and how precious he is and how much you and your husband love him. And I think of heaven....for Gideon now....and you on that day. What a day that will be. For you both.

I love you.

Stormy said...

Patty, your words and encouragement have helped more than you know. and knowing that you think of Gideon means so very much to me. It touches my heart to know that you think of my precious son.....I am so looking forward to the day when we get to see Jesus, and Gideon! And for our family to be complete again. It will be a great day.

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

I don't get a chance to read your blog as often as I want, but I pray for you whenever God puts you on my mind. I am continually encouraged by your title, "I Still Believe."

Stormy said...

Thank you so much Jenni. Thank you for the prayers. They mean so much to me. So very much.

wilkeliza said...

Your analogy is perfection. It makes me think of the term "life baggage". As our life progresses we can have several pieces of luggage we must carry. Sometimes they are pieces we can leave behind while others we treasure even though their weight is sometimes too much. God will most definitely give you the strength you need to carry your bag.

Stormy said...

Liz, thank you so much. I love what you said that we treasure them even though the weight is sometimes too much. oh, so true.