I heard the words "I am so sorry" come out of the nurse's mouth.
And my world went into complete darkness.
Though in hindsight, it was never totally dark because the light of God was always there. However, I couldn't see it, I couldn't see Him. Not at first. All I could see was complete blackness. My world went from a bright beautiful light of hope and joy into a dominating blackness. I had to walk into the dark. I had no choice. There was no other path for me. Life as I knew it ceased to be. And it was required of me that I live in a reality where there is always some darkness. I now live in a world where babies die, where my baby died. It will never be fully light again.
"Before I go to the place of no return to the land of gloom and utter darkness, to the land of deepest night, of utter darkness and disorder, where even the light is like darkness.” Job 10:21-22
As I began to really look into the darkness, I could see a small amount of light. Even in the beginning, even in the first few days after Gideon died. The light was a very small glimmer in an expanse of darkness. But it was enough to keep me going, enough for me to keep breathing. In.Out. In again. Look towards the small amount of light. Breathe in. And out. Look toward the Light. Towards Jesus. In John 8 Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Jesus is the light that I walk in. And as I walked the road of grief, I could start to clearly see Jesus again.
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” - Charles A. Beard
I walked in this new darkness and as time progressed, more light entered my life.I didnt want it to, but it did. Most times, I didn't notice it happening. As I mourned the loss of my Gideon, each day it became easier to breathe, to see the light. To see Jesus. I could slowly see the the sun coming back into my life. Because I have Jesus as my Savior, I am never in complete darkness. I began to journey out of the complete darkness, and into the light of peace and joy. However, I was changed forever. I would never see the world again without shadows. There will always be a shadows, a shadow in the place where my son should be. Honestly, some days I have to choose to see the light and not focus on the dark. Even though sometimes, especially in the early days of my grief, I wanted to stay in the blackness. Even now, 16 months later, there are days when I exist in the blackest of the dark.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28
However, I have come to realize that I can still remember Gideon and honor his life without sitting in complete darkness. I can even grieve him and still be in the light of Jesus. Gideon's life has brought sunshine to my life. His existence gives me an extravagant joy and I am extremely proud to be his mom and proud of all that his life accomplishes on this earth. I can see the light his existence has brought to my life, the blessing that his life has given me. I remember him and smile. And I love him every single minute of the day. And I know he has Eternal life in Jesus and that is a source of greatest light imaginable.
But, unfortunately in this world, our light will always be tainted by darkness for we live in a shadow of the Light of Eternity.
Because Jesus is Light. In Him there is no darkness when we get to see Him in Eternity. In Heaven there is no darkness, no sadness no pain. When we get to be with Him and with our babies, we will be in complete light. Because He is the source light. There will be no shadows because His light permeates everywhere. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever. Revelation 22:5.
God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.-1 John1:5
I see the light now because I focus on Jesus and focus on His joy. He lights my world, he gives me the sun to light my path and He shows me His peace and I can be happy, even without my firstborn son. I see the blessings God has given me in this world and I can see how he turns my darkness into light. I experience the love I have in my husband and in our miracle, Silas. Todd and Silas are the source of most of the happiness I have in this world. They are truly my sunshine. I see the fun and laughter he gives me with my siblings, parents and friends. I can feel the compassion he has given me for others who are hurting. In my heart I experience joy when I worship Him...And all of these things are good. Very good. Each of the gifts I am given, provide a source of light in the shadows of this fallen world. And to quote my favorite group the Beatles, "Little darling, it seems like years since its been here...Here comes the sun...Here comes the sun and I say, its all right."
“It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.” Eleanor Roosevelt